Footprints in the Snow
by cosmogirl7481
Summary: "An hour from now, when the snow falls again, it will be like we weren't even there. But we will remember." A story of unrequited love, and how the things we keep silent can hurt us and the ones we hold closest. E/B Rated M for themes of an adult nature.
1. Chapter 1

I shivered as I looked out over the side of the mountain. It was covered in snow; perfect and white and just as beautiful as it had been every time I'd come here for the last nine years. I turned the heat up a little more in the rental I was driving, hoping to shake off the chill.

My eyes focused back on the curving road. Even though it had been cleared and salted, there was still slush to contend with. And the occasional patch of black ice. Nothing would be worse than starting off the holiday week with an accident. Especially one that could end with me and a rented Jeep veering off the side of a mountain.

The sound of generic Christmas music played in the background. Honestly, I would have preferred my iPod, but some things were just habit. And we'd been doing this since before any of us could even afford an iPod. Hell, we'd been doing this since before we could actually afford to do this.

This was important.

These people were important.

And no matter what happened – where we all went or what we all did – these people would always be my family. _Always._

Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett and Edward. Maybe the same blood didn't run through our veins, but they were more important than any blood. Like I said, they were my family.

As I continued the long drive up the mountain, I couldn't help but think about how we'd all come together over fifteen years ago.

.

.

.

_I met them all the first year I was placed in the group home after Charlie and Renee died. With no living grandparents or other family members to take me in, I became a ward of the state of Washington. It's still hard to think about it that way, but that's exactly what I was. I didn't belong to anyone. Not even myself. I had no possessions to speak of. Just the sad brown backpack filled with the few clothes I'd packed before they took me from my home. Two pairs of jeans and three shirts. _

_The first few months were the hardest. I was thirteen then. Too young to really grasp what was happening, but old enough to understand the threat of what living in a group home might mean. It's funny how quick a child can learn._

_I learned. _

_I was scared a lot in the beginning. But Emmett liked me right away. Well, mostly he felt sorry for me I think. There was an incident with one of the older guys that first week. He was sixteen. He got a little too close one night in an empty hall – touched me a little more than I was comfortable with. It was terrifying, but Emmett stepped in. He was only fifteen, but so much bigger than the other guy. He threatened to "beat the fucking shit out of him" if he touched or even came near me again. It was the first time I'd ever heard a curse word. And in that moment, his vulgar language was the safest thing I'd ever heard. Still is. _

_Emmett and Edward were brothers. Edward was fourteen. Nervous like me. I don't think he said more than three sentences to me for the first year after we met. And that was because Emmett made him. But I liked him, even if he didn't really like me at all. I felt a sort of kinship to him. I loved the way he was always reading a book. Keeping to himself. And I always found him impossibly unearthly in his beauty. _

_The same went for Jasper and Rosalie. They had all been there for almost a year. While Emmett and Edward lost their parents much like me, Jasper and Rose – well, their mom was an addict. She was deemed an unsuitable parental figure. They never knew their dad. Honestly, they never knew if they _had _the same dad. They were only ten months apart. But a part of me always thought they had to have the same father. They looked just like twins. _

_Alice and I were both alone. She came to the home not too long after me. They said she had some emotional and psychological disorder. But really, who of us didn't? She didn't know her family. Or if she did, she never really talked about them. But I loved her right away. We were the same age, and for the first time ever in my life, I had a best friend._

_So, the six of us were as close to a familial unit as we were ever going to get. All of us stuck together. All of us in our own little way protected and loved each other as much as we could. And because of them – all of them – my time in the home wasn't as terrible as it could have been. I might have been a ward of the state, but at least I had a family. _

_That was until the next year when we met Dr. Cullen. He did all the annual physicals for the group home. He brought his wife back a few days later. I guess that Dr. Cullen had met and loved Edward immediately. He thought he was gifted. Which he was. And since he obviously couldn't separate him from Emmett, they wanted to take and adopt them both._

_According to Edward, Emmett was the one to say something first. He told the doctor and his wife that there were four others. He told them that he couldn't leave us there unprotected. He was always so worried and fatherly. Even then. Plus, by that time, he and Rose were already in love. And I knew he really didn't want to leave here there in the home._

_So, they took us all. It was crazy. Even now when I think about it, I still can't believe our good fortune. They took all six of us. Every single one. And we weren't young kids by any stretch. Alice and I were the youngest at fourteen. But that didn't seem to matter to them. And it couldn't have been easy. We all had issues with trust. Except with each other._

_I'll never forget the day we left the group home. I still had the same brown backpack – only this time it was filled with different clothes. Hand-me-downs and donations given from people in the community. But they were all I had. And they were mine. And with my family beside me – holding Alice's hand and oddly enough, Edward's – I walked inside the house that would be our home for the next few years._

.

.

.

The sight of another car pulled me from my thoughts. Shifting, I sat up straighter in my seat, gripping the steering wheel tighter. Only a few more miles until I was there. This was a tradition. It didn't matter what we did in our own lives, every year, the week before Christmas, we all met in the mountains and spent the week together. Carlisle and Esme always came up on Christmas Eve. But for the five days before, it was just us…just the kids.

Only we weren't kids anymore.

The snow was really starting to come down by the time I reached the top. I was hoping that I was the last one to arrive. Although, I knew I probably wasn't. I turned off the road and onto the drive way. It was gravel, but covered with snow, and I could feel the slight slide of the tires as I made my way to the house.

The lights were on, and because all of us generally flew in and rented cars, I didn't know who was here already. Nervous and excited, I checked myself in the rearview mirror. And just as I was about to hop out, my phone chimed, letting me know I had a text.

"**I'm going to miss you for Christmas."**

I smiled in spite of myself. And quickly responded.

"**I'm going to miss you, too. But you know this is my family."**

His response was immediate.

"**I want to meet your family."**

I looked at the text for a while. Rubbing my fingers softly over the letters. This was so complicated. More complicated than I imagined. But he knew where I stood. He knew what I thought and how I felt. And for now, he was okay. But a sinking part of me knew that wouldn't always be the case.

So, I typed my response out slowly. Thinking about each and every word.

"**I know you do, Jacob."**

I looked back up to the warm glow of the house. The lights were shining softly over the snow at twilight. It was beautiful. So, with a pounding heart, I quickly hit send, and then I turned my phone off and dropped it in my purse.

Then I headed inside.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**This story will post daily and complete before Christmas. Thank you so much for reading.**

**Thanks and love to Marvar – my beta and best friend. Thank you for loving me more than you hate angst. I love you more than…well, anything. **

**I have the best pre-readers in the world: Caren, JaimeArkin, Kourt17, Laura_1025 and Raina. Seriously. I don't know if I would have pushed through writing it, if not for your love and encouragement.**

**See you in the morning!**


	2. Chapter 2

Emmett was the first person I saw as I stepped inside. He was lighting a fire in the fireplace, when he turned around before basically running across the room and tackling me. I was mid-air in his arms, when I saw Rose walk in. She was smiling. And for the first time in almost a year, I felt genuinely and truly happy.

"It's so good to see you, Bells," Emmett said in my ear. Then, placing me back on the floor, he said, "Why didn't you let me get your bags?"

"Because there's only one bag," I told him. "And because it's fucking freezing out there."

I stepped out of his arms and went straight to Rosalie. I hugged her tight, but not too tight. Her belly was getting too big.

"It's true what they say about pregnant women," I told her.

She laughed and pulled me back in for another hug.

"And what's that?" she asked.

"That you glow," I said, smiling.

"That's because we're hot all the time," she huffed, and then turned around. "Goddamn it, Emmett. I told you. It's too hot for a fire."

"No," he chuckled. "You're too hot for a fire. Everyone else is cold."

"Fine," she said. "You can just stand on the front porch with me when I get too hot to stay inside."

He took her in his arms, and brushed her long hair back from her neck.

"Of course," he said. "Will you keep me warm?"

Rosalie laughed softly. And I took that as my cue step away and look out the window.

"Who are we missing?" I asked. "There are only three cars."

"Alice and Jasper are upstairs unpacking," Emmett informed me. "Edward called and said he's running behind. He'll probably be here after dinner."

"Mmmm," I said absentmindedly. I was looking at the snow, trying not to worry about how hard it was coming down. "I hope he's okay driving in by himself."

"Maybe he's not coming by himself," Emmett smirked. He was joking. But the thought that Edward had someone special in his life…well, it made my heart drop a little. Surely I would know if he had. Someone would have told me. Even if it wasn't Edward. "And by the way, what's with you? I thought maybe you wouldn't be coming alone this year either."

"Why would you think that?" I asked. "I always come alone."

"I was just hoping that maybe you might've…I don't know…met someone by now."

My mind went to Jacob. Truthfully, I had met someone. It was the first someone who felt important since all the people that were currently occupying this house. But something was keeping me from accepting him fully. And because of that, I was keeping him at arm's length. But I pushed the thoughts of him out of my mind.

"You know me," I said dismissively. "I'm selfish. I don't like to share you guys with anyone else."

"You know," Rose said. "You could move to Chicago and be close to us. It's not like anything is keeping you in Washington."

"Carlisle and Esme are still there," I told them.

"Yeah, but how often do you actually see them?" Emmett asked.

"Not often enough," I admitted.

The truth was that I hadn't seen them in months. And I only saw them then because they drove to Seattle to surprise me. It wasn't that I didn't love them and want to see them. It was that going back to Port Angeles was always too hard. Not without everyone else there, too.

It was that exact moment that Alice burst into the room, overwhelming me with all of her excitement. We both wrapped around each other – all tight hugs and cheek kisses. God, I missed her so much. And I never realized just how much until we shared the same space.

"I miss you," she whispered in my ear.

"Me, too," I said. "I love you, Alice."

We stood there holding each other for what seemed like forever. Only I didn't want to let her go. I missed having her around. I missed all our talks, and just the way she seemed to understand me. Even when no one else in the world did.

"I love you, too, Bella," she said. "So fucking much."

Jasper cleared his throat behind us. And I couldn't help the absolute giddiness that enveloped me. I was here…with my family. We were all in the same place again for an entire week.

"You're gonna have to let her go eventually," he said laughing. "I'm not sharing a bed with both of you."

"You would," I said, grinning. "And you wouldn't complain once."

"He might complain a little," a soft spoken voice said behind me. And even though the door was still open, and cold air was rushing in, my entire body was covered with warmth. "You kick when you sleep."

"Edward," I breathed, releasing Alice from my grip.

I turned to look at him – to take him in. I never saw him anymore. Only during the holiday weeks. But he was still as beautiful as the boy I remembered from my childhood. But he was a man now. Everything about him screamed it. Tall and masculine…perfectly handsome. But there was still something about him that spoke to the little girl inside me. Maybe it was the way his eyes sparkled – like he knew a secret no one else knew. Maybe it was the mischief in his smile. Whatever it was – when he was around, we were all together, and I knew I was home.

"Bella," he breathed in return.

"And how would you know if I kicked?" I chided him.

"I wouldn't," he said smiling. "But we _all_ know you talk in your sleep."

His eyes flashed, and I laughed. Before I knew it, I'd released Alice, and was across the space in his arms.

"Christ," Emmett mumbled behind me. "She's like a constant nighttime DJ."

Ignoring Emmett, I asked, "How are you?"

"Good," he said. "It's been too long, Bella."

I pulled back to look at him, but he didn't seem quite ready to let me go. So, I settled back into his embrace, breathing in, as he held me tighter.

"You say that every year," I told him, pressing my face against his chest.

"And every year I mean it," he whispered.

I shivered. Maybe from the cold from the still-open door. Or maybe it was something else, but I breathed in deeper than I had in so long, resting my head against his chest, and letting his warmth settle around me.

"Are you here alone?" I heard myself asking.

"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked in return.

He pulled back to look at me, still smiling, but his eyes were a little darker.

"I don't know," I mumbled. "Emmett said something about you possibly bringing someone."

"What?" he laughed. "And let you be the only one here sleeping alone? That hardly seems fair."

"Shut up," I said, contemplating kicking him in the shin.

"Oh, Bella," he chuckled. "Always with the witty comebacks. Some things never change."

.

.

After everyone settled on the plan for the rest of the evening, I headed up to my room to unpack. It was surreal – almost like I couldn't believe another year had passed. But it had, and I was here with everyone in the world I held dear.

The room was chilly. So, I walked over to the vent to feel for heat. I was kneeling on the hardwood floor when I heard Alice behind me.

"It's cold in here every year," she said. "I don't know why you're checking."

I laughed.

"I check because every year I think they might have fixed it."

"I'll make sure Jazz brings you in some extra blankets," she said, plopping down on the old double bed.

I went over to join her, curling up next to her tiny body. Her hand took mine, and we linked fingers. It was like this for a while. Just comfortable silence with the person who'd been my best friend for what felt like forever.

"You're too far away," she said matter-of-factly. "I miss being near you. I miss knowing what's going on with you. And I know you're keeping something from me."

I turned on my side to look at her. Her eyes were wide and serious. And even though I was completely relaxed and happy, I got nervous.

"You don't have to tell me now," she continued. "But just remember…I know."

"Does it help to know I _want_ to tell you everything?" I asked.

"Maybe," she said. "But we have all week."

Squeezing my hand, she sat up and told me she'd meet me downstairs for dinner. I grabbed my purse and went to the bathroom. Ignoring my phone, I pulled out a brush and ran it through my hair. I closed my purse and put it away. Along with everything in my life that didn't have to do with the people in this house.

Dinner was good…relaxing. We all talked about what was going on in our lives. Rose and Emmett had been busy getting ready for the baby. They still didn't know what it was going to be. Rose wanted it to be a surprise. Jasper and Alice were making plans for their wedding in the spring, and Edward talked mostly about his job and how much he'd been traveling. I talked about my job, too, not wanting to veer into anything too personal.

We made plans for early the next morning. After breakfast, the guys were going to get the Christmas tree, and the girls were going shopping to stock the house for the week. And then, we would meet back and decorate together. It was always the same. Every single year. I didn't even know why we felt the need to make plans at all.

I headed upstairs after, and took a shower. When I was done, I walked into my still-cold room. There were extra blankets on the foot of the bed. And I couldn't help but smile as I climbed up and inside the blankets.

Everything seemed to surround me…cover me. The smells of the house – familiar and warm. The knowledge that I was here with them, and even if it was only for a week, this time was always perfect. And I knew that it was the only time I ever felt truly happy. Thoughts of home – of Jacob and work – filled my mind. But I didn't want anything intruding of this one piece of perfection that I was allowed to have every year. So, I pushed it all back, locking it up tight in the back of my mind. Knowing it would all still be waiting for me in the New Year.

The house was quiet. There were no sounds except for the occasional creak in the old floors. And I rolled over on my side and turned out the light on the nightstand. I breathed in deeply, allowing the chilled air to fill my lungs. And I pulled the quilts and blankets up around my neck and closed my eyes.

And that's when I felt it.

Felt him.

The air was cold on my back as he slid in bed beside me. But his body was immediately warm as he pressed up against the entire length of my own. His hands slid under the hem of my t-shirt, and as he rubbed my skin, he pressed his face against my neck, breathing in deeply.

My heart was pounding, and I wondered if he could feel it.

"I wondered when you would come," I whispered into the dark.

He pushed my hair back, running his nose up and along the shell of my ear. And then, soft and wet, he sucked the skin on my neck, while his hand slipped inside my panties…finding me…touching me.

"I always come, Bella," he whispered. "Every year."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**The response to chapter one was beyond what I could have hoped for. The love and support from the amazing people in this community never ceases to amaze me. Thank you. Truly, you have no idea how much you all mean to me.**

**All my love and thanks to Marvar. She remains the most wonderful woman in the universe. Twi…or otherwise. And I don't know what I'd do without her.**

**And to my pre-readers, Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…thank you for your love and support. And thank you for your feedback. I couldn't have written this without you.**

**See you in the morning!**


	3. Chapter 3

_The air was cold on my back as he slid in bed beside me. But his body was immediately warm as he pressed up against the entire length of my own. His hands slid under the hem of my t-shirt, and as he rubbed my skin, he pressed his face against my neck, breathing in deeply._

_My heart was pounding, and I wondered if he could feel it._

_"I wondered when you would come," I whispered into the dark._

_He pushed my hair back, running his nose up and along the shell of my ear. And then, soft and wet, he sucked the skin on my neck, while his hand slipped inside my panties…finding me…touching me._

_"I always come, Bella," he whispered. "Every year." _

_._

_._

_._

"Does it feel good?" he whispered, as he spread me open with his fingers.

I could only nod my head because I knew if I tried to speak, it would be a moan. It would be loud and wanting. And in the silence of the house, I knew I couldn't allow it. Words didn't matter because I knew he could feel just how much I loved what he was doing. How much I wanted it. How much I needed it.

"You feel so good," he whispered again. "So wet for me…so, so…always so fucking tight."

He continued to stroke me, his voice and breath all soft in my ear. I wanted to turn in his arms. I wanted to feel his mouth over mine. I wanted to taste him…to suck his skin…his tongue…his cock. But I let him hold me – let him take me wherever he thought I should go. At his pace. In his own way. Because in his arms, and under his hands, I knew I was safe. Knew I was protected. And even though it wasn't the way that I'd secretly always wanted…I knew I was loved.

As if he could sense what I needed, he rolled me onto my back. He pushed my hands over my head, taking my shirt off slowly. And then he covered me – his naked skin on my skin – with the blankets falling heavy, over and around us. My hands wrapped around his neck, needing him closer than he was. But he held back for just a moment – looking in my eyes.

His breath was labored and sweet. Just like everything about this stolen moment. And he reached up with one hand, cupping my face and stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"What do you want?" he whispered. It sounded loud to my ears, as it bounced and reverberated off the cocoon of the covers.

Finding my voice for the first time since I'd felt him in my bed, I gave him the only truth I was capable of saying out loud. "Whatever you want to give me."

His mouth covered mine. And over the years – no matter how many times we'd come together like this – it was always the same. Edward's breath was like the only thing I needed to survive. My body and mind, my heart and soul, they all needed him…needed this. And he came to me so sweetly, so softly. With this unspoken possessiveness that I secretly desired.

His kisses reflected every single thing I wanted him to feel. The hunger, the need, the desire….and love. And for these few stolen moments, in a darkened bedroom inside a sleeping, silent house…I allowed myself the fantasy of thinking he actually _did_ love me. Even if it wasn't true.

He took my bottom lip, sucking and biting. And I breathed into his mouth, wanting to moan, but trained to be quiet. His tongue swept across my lips and I opened to him – greedy and desperate – and giving him my own. Begging him to take and taste and suck and own.

And he did.

His hands roamed my sides – my skin was on fire wherever he touched. And all I could do was hold him, clutching and pulling him closer. Desperate to keep this feeling, praying that the night would last forever because the sunrise would see him leave.

My bed.

My body.

Me.

Fumbling slightly, he pulled on my panties, sliding them down my legs. I quickly and willingly opened them to him, shuddering when I felt him, hard and warm, as he settled against me. I realized that he had come to me naked and ready. And I reached between us, taking his cock in my hand, wanting him to know that I was ready, too.

I was always ready for him.

His shaking gasp in my ear sent a shiver of wanton excitement up my spine – a swelling heat inside my belly. And I rubbed his tip up and down the length of my pussy – so drenched and slick and swollen with the need for him to fill it.

He pulled back for a moment, looking in my eyes, and acknowledging what was about to happen. And I released him from my hand, spreading my legs wider, and opening myself up to what I knew we both wanted.

And then he thrust.

It was long and deep, and I gasped as he filled me. His head fell into my neck as he grunted and held himself still. I could feel him pulse inside me – his heartbeat in his cock. And closing my eyes, I surrendered to the moment, to the absolute completion I felt when we were joined together like this.

"Always," he whispered. "You're always so tight…so perfect. Like your pussy was made for me…_only me_."

And biting down on my lip, I forced myself to keep quiet, to hold inside the unconditional truth that it was.

He took me quickly, but with slow, long strokes. I quivered underneath him, as the sound of his skin pushing against mine filled the silent space of the room. I wrapped myself around him – arms and legs and every bit of emotion that I was feeling. And tears filled my eyes, as he filled me over and over.

"Don't cry, Bella," he whispered. "Why…why…why are you crying?"

He reached between us, placing his hand on my chest. My heart. And once again, I gave him the only thing I could say that was the truth.

"Because it's good," I whimpered. "Because it's so, so good."

He kissed me deeply then, pushing me harder, and taking both of our bodies to the edge. I fought against it – wanting this moment to last longer. To just keep him here with me like this forever. But I shattered to pieces around him, feeling him fill me as he came…breathing my name.

.

.

.

When I woke, the room was empty. The only evidence of what happened the night before was my naked body under the covers and the delicious ache between my legs. I inhaled deeply, smelling him…me…our sex.

And it was good.

It was so fucking good.

And then bracing myself for the sting of the cold, I forced myself out of bed. I didn't look in the mirror to see the flushed cheeks, the sated expression I knew I would find. I just showered and got ready for the day. And then, I put on my clothes…along with the mask I knew I had to wear.

The same one I'd been wearing for eight years.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you to every person who's reading…and for each one of you who take the time to tell me what you think. Your support and encouragement mean the world to me. And I'm always humbled by your words.**

**Marvar is amazing. I have no words for how much I love and appreciate her. She makes everything I write so much better. Thank you, soulmate!**

**Thank you, Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina. You girls have made this experience so rewarding and fun. And I couldn't do it without you. I love you all.**

**See you in the morning!**


	4. Chapter 4

The smell of coffee, cinnamon and burning wood wafted up the stairs as I descended them. I breathed in deeply as I looked out the window. The ground was covered, but it wasn't snowing anymore. Everything looked clean – beautiful and untouched.

I walked in the kitchen to find the majority of my family there. Rose smiled from the table as Alice placed a plate of warm cinnamon rolls in front of her. Jasper was drinking coffee at the table, and Edward was doing the same as he leaned against the counter. He looked at me for just a moment – not even meeting my eyes – and then he looked down before pushing off the surface and walking to the table.

I was used to it, of course. Even though it didn't make it sting any less. So, I looked over to Alice and smiled, and then made my way over to pour a cup of coffee.

"Your special creamer is in the fridge," Rose said.

I grinned at her, loving so much that she always remembered.

"Thank you," I told her. "You're awesome."

It was then that Emmett walked in – all smiles and loud voiced.

"Are we ready to go get a tree?" he asked, looking over as Jasper and Edward.

"Damn, Emmett," Jasper said. "I know you're excited, but at least let us finish our coffee."

There were only two seats open at the table. One by Jasper and one by Edward. I chose Jasper. I sat down beside him, and laughed as he nudged my shoulder.

"What's going on with you, Bella?" he asked playfully.

I choked on the vanilla flavored coffee.

"What do you mean?" I asked a little too defensively.

"You're blushing."

"Bella always blushes," Edward offered quietly from across the table.

I didn't look at him – I couldn't. I just smiled at Jazz and said, "I'm not blushing. I'm cold."

"No," Alice said, taking the seat beside Edward. "She's not blushing. She's excited about today."

"I am excited about today," I offered, more excitedly, and happy for the honest change of subject. "When are we leaving?"

Alice beamed at my admission, and I took a sip of my coffee. Warming my hands on the mug, I cast a quick glance in Edward's direction. He was looking down into his own cup, most likely avoiding me. I tried not to let it get to me. This was just how it was.

"Well," Rose started, "I was thinking that maybe I could stay here this morning while the two of you went shopping. I'm not really sure I'm up for all the walking. And I can make sure that these guys put the tree where it's actually supposed to go."

"So, now that you're pregnant, you think you can get out of all the heavy lifting?" I chided.

She flipped me off before reaching down to rub her swollen belly, and said, "Trust me. There's heavy fucking lifting."

"Such vulgar language," I shot back. "You gonna kiss your baby with that mouth?"

Emmett walked over and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "Your kisses are just fine," he told her, and then pressed his lips to hers over and over. "And don't be jealous, Bella. Just because you never bring someone you can kiss."

I felt my cheeks flame as I thought about the fact that only a few hours before, my lips had been more than occupied. It took every ounce of energy I had not to reach up and touch them with my fingers. I took another drink of coffee instead.

"It's hard not to be jealous of the two of you," I mumbled honestly. "It always has been."

"Seriously, Bella," Jasper started in. "I don't know who's worse. You or Edward. But at least we all know Edward gets kissed on the regular. Even if he never brings her around. I personally think he's ashamed of us."

He was joking, but it didn't matter. I looked back down at the wooden table. My fingers absentmindedly traced the grain of the wood. I couldn't look up. There was no way I could look up without betraying my emotions.

"Well, that's ridiculous," I heard Alice chime in. "If Edward's not bringing a woman he's kissing around, it must be because he's ashamed of her."

"I'm not…" Edward sighed heavily, his voice showing his clear irritation. "I'm not ashamed of…anyone."

And all of it was too much. This conversation…my guilt…everything. I placed my fisted hands in my lap. I could feel the pain from my nails as they dug into my palms. And then I looked up, only to find that he was looking at me.

"So," I started, making sure my voice didn't tremble. "You get kissed on the regular?"

I smiled at him, aware that my family was watching and listening. I tried to sound playful, but I'm pretty sure I didn't succeed.

His eyes were wide and soft and green as they looked at me. I could see him swallow thickly. And in his hesitation, I knew. There was someone else. Or maybe there were several someone elses. I mean, it's not as if he was incapable of attracting women.

"Who cares who Edward kisses?" Alice snapped, pulling my eyes away from his. "I only care about two things right now. Getting the tree put up today…and getting enough food for all of us to eat this week. Now, you guys need to get going. And Bella and I will get ready to head out, too."

I smiled at her as convincingly as I could, took one more drink of coffee and stood up.

"Agreed," I said. "Who Edward kisses is his own business." I didn't look at him again. Instead, I walked over to Rose, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and asked her if she was sure she didn't want to come with us.

"Nope," she said. "I'm all good. I'm gonna just stay here and eat the rest of these cinnamon rolls."

"Alright then," I replied. "I'm going to go get my coat. Alice, I'll meet you at the car. Do you want to take mine?"

"Sure," she nodded. "See you in a minute."

When I got to my room, I grabbed my jacket and my purse. I was so angry and embarrassed – for a million reasons I wasn't willing to think about. And that's when I remembered that I'd turned off my phone. I pulled it out and turned it on. The screen lit up and I saw that I had a text message and one missed call. Both were from Jacob. I opened the text.

"**I know this week is about your family, but I'll miss you. Have fun, Bella."**

And this was the thing about Jacob. He was always understanding. Even when I gave him nothing to understand. He'd been so patient with me. And honestly, he was the one bright spot in my life back in Washington. And he deserved better. He deserved more than I'd been willing to give. Because I couldn't give him everything. I couldn't give him the parts of me that had always belonged to Edward.

"**I miss you, Jacob." **

I typed the words because I was hurt. I sent them because – in that moment – I meant it. And for that reason, I sent him another message.

"**Call me later. I promise to answer."**

I took a deep breath, and placing my phone back in my purse, I turned, ready to head downstairs. But Edward was standing in the door. He was beautiful. Why did he have to be so goddamn beautiful? I had to fight against my body's reaction to him – my need to just be near him. And it had always been that way. Even when we were kids.

"I'm sorry," he said simply.

"For what?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant. Even though I knew that he could tell I was upset. And the fact that he could read me pissed me off.

"For that," he said. "All of that…at breakfast."

"It's okay," I said. "They're just being…them. It's what they do. It's what they've _always_ done."

He stepped inside – just through the doorway.

I took a step back.

I wanted to look down. I should have. But I didn't. And because I didn't, I saw the hurt look on his face. And part of me wanted to do anything to make that look go away. But the selfish, petty part of me was happy that I could generate a response from him at all.

"It's just that…" he started, and then stopped. "I just…"

"What are you doing in here, Edward?" I asked. "It's daylight. Someone might see you."

"You think I care if someone sees me?" he asked, his voice incredulous…angry even.

"I know you do."

My voice held no fury or fire. Just simple truth and acknowledgement.

"You don't know anything," he spat.

He moved closer to me, and even though he wasn't close enough for me to touch, I could still feel him. Every single bit of him…his presence…his heat. I could still feel the dull ache between my legs from where he'd been inside me. The memory of him over me…pushing in again and again.

But I knew so much more than he ever gave me credit for. I knew that I was his completely – in the dark at night. For one fucking week of the year. I knew that I was helpless and pathetic when it came to everything that he was. I knew that when he said he didn't care if anyone knew it was a lie. Because when I woke up with the sunlight coming through the windows, he was already gone. And I was alone.

But I didn't know about other women. I suppose I always knew that there must have been – that there _had_ to have been. But I couldn't think about it. It was easier to just be caught up in him…and how he made me feel.

"You're wrong," I said dejectedly. And as I walked past him, I continued, "I just don't know everything, apparently."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you so much for all the love and support. I say it every day, but every single day, I am so grateful. I was epic fail with review replies yesterday. I'm sorry about that. Work consumed a little more of my time than expected. But I read and loved them all.**

**Marvar is always amazing, and I couldn't do any of this without her. I love her more than Rob or cock…or Rob's cock. And if you know me…you know that's a lot.**

**My pre-readers are fucktabulous. And they have made each of these chapters better than they were to begin with. I adore them. Thank you, Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina. ILY all.**

**See you in the morning!**


	5. Chapter 5

When I got to the porch, Alice was already waiting for me. She decided to drive, which was good, since I was still a little on edge. As we were pulling out, I glanced back, only to find Edward standing in the window to my room looking down. He looked so dark and almost pained. And it hurt me to see him like that. I wondered if Alice noticed. If she did, she didn't say anything.

We'd been driving for a few minutes when she finally spoke.

"What's going on, Bella?"

I looked at her, turning sideways in my seat, so I could look at her. Her eyes remained on the road, but she glanced at me quickly. And all I could think was that she was my best friend. For as long as I'd known her, we'd never had any secrets between us.

Except one.

"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously.

"What's going on with you?" she asked again. "I feel…I don't know…I feel like we never really talk anymore. Like I don't know what's going on in your life."

"My life is pretty boring," I told her. It wasn't a lie. There really wasn't anything remarkable about my everyday existence. "I'd rather talk about you. How are the wedding plans coming?"

"Oh, no," she laughed. "No, you don't, Bella Swan. Don't try to change the subject. Tell me…what's going on?"

I took in a deep breath, my eyes drifting off to the side. I looked out the window – the snow was so beautiful. Everything about this place was so beautiful. White. Perfect and unmarred.

"Look at the snow," I mused. "It's so pretty."

"Okaaaay," she said. "Yes, the snow is pretty."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. But then she looked at me for a long moment, and her face grew soft…serious.

"I mean," I continued, "it's the kind of pretty that you don't want to touch. Like…I don't know…like if you were to walk over on the hillside, you just know your footprints would ruin the beauty. Like, you would be intruding or something."

"I don't really believe that," she said decidedly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there would be beauty in the footprints," she said. "Or maybe a snow angel." She smiled as she said the words. "It would be like a sign of life or something. Just the snow…well, that's seems more depressing than anything."

I thought about that for a minute.

"But once you've done that…walked on it or made a snow angel or whatever, it's changed. It never looks the same again."

"Are we still talking about the snow?" she asked.

"Ummm…yeah," I mumbled. "The snow. Of course the snow."

"Well," she said, "there's always more snow, Bella. Look at the sky. It's all clouded and grey. We could pull over right now and play in the snow. And an hour from now, when the snow falls again, it will be like we weren't even there. You know…to anyone else looking. But we would remember. The hillside would remember our footprints…even though they were filled in."

She continued driving, while I sat silently in my seat thinking about her words. She didn't ask me anymore questions. I don't know if she could sense that I wasn't ready to really talk, but just like always, she somehow knew that I needed the mental space. We were almost to the store, when I finally spoke again.

"There is, you know," I offered quietly. "There's someone…in my life."

She didn't say anything at first. She just drove until she parked the car, and then she turned to face me. Her smile was soft – unlike the charismatic woman that I knew or the excited girl I remembered. Her entire face and body radiated comfort and understanding. I couldn't ever remember having the overpowering urge I had to hug her – or anyone – in that moment. But I reached across the console, and pulled her into my arms. And she whispered in my ear, "I know."

.

.

.

We shopped for what seemed like hours – our conversation falling into easier subjects. And I felt normal for the first time since I'd arrived.

"I want to make eggnog," she said, her eyes sparkling. "The good stuff. The real stuff."

I laughed, thinking that any sort of libation might be a good thing. Things were too tense after this morning. And I didn't want to spend the entire week feeling that way. I had accepted the way things were with Edward a long time ago. And the way I'd acted over breakfast was uncalled for. Especially for our brothers and sisters who had nothing to with the choices we made behind the closed door of my bedroom.

"We'll have to stop on the way out of town at the liquor store," I told her. "We'll need some good bourbon."

As I said the words, I felt a twinge of emotion inside my stomach…my body. I loved and hated the taste of bourbon.

_Bourbon is so sweet._

_But it burns…_

"And maybe some wine," she said. "And Bailey's for coffee."

"Yes," I told her, laughing. "Anything you want."

We finished getting everything we needed. Rose texted like a hundred times to add to the already enormous list. We didn't mind because it was almost like having her there. After everything was loaded in the car, we headed to the liquor store.

Once we were officially on our way home, Alice looked at me and said, "We have all week…and you can talk to me whenever you're ready, Bella. But we need to talk. I mean…you do. I think you do."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know what she thought she did or didn't know. But she'd always had a sixth sense about these things. About me in general. So, I smiled at her, and told her, "Okay."

As we drove up the mountain, a huge smile spread across her face. She stopped the car so quickly, the tires slipped and we almost hit the rail.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. "Why did you stop?"

"Because, Bella," she said excitedly. "You and I are going to go over there and leave some footprints in the snow. And maybe some snow angels. And for once…you are going to live a little. And we're going to leave some signs of our life behind. You need to live a little."

"What about all the groceries?" I asked.

"It's a fucking freezer out here," she laughed. "The groceries will be fine. Now get your ass out of the car!"

I smiled, and then followed her.

There on the flawless, pristine hillside, we both climbed and played in the snow. It was the most fun I could remember having in my adult life. And for just a few moments, I let go, and forgot about everything.

About Edward.

About Jacob.

And even about myself.

When I fell back in the snow bank with Alice, we held hands and made snow angels. My body was freezing, my cheeks were flushed…but I didn't care. For once, I wasn't hiding. For once, there was no shame…there were no secrets. It was just me leaving behind a sign of my own life.

Proof that I actually lived.

And as we drove away, the grey clouds grew darker, and the snow started to fall again. I watched in the rearview mirror until the hillside diminished from my sight, thinking about Alice's words…and knowing she was right. In an hour, it would be like we were never there. But we would always remember.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you. A million times, thank you. Your love and support has blown me away. And I've been smiling for four days. I appreciate every single person reading, and I love your feedback.**

**There are no words for Marvar. She is a rock star. Like a really cool, talented and amazing one. You know, like Chris Martin. Yes…she's the Chris Martin to my Coldplay. You know…the one with all the talent. LOL And I love her more than anything. **

**And my pre-readers. Well, they are just the hottest group of women ever! I want to make out with them constantly. Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina. I appreciate you all…and love you even more.**

**See you in the morning!**


	6. Chapter 6

The tree was decorated.

The house was warm.

And I had finally secured my mask tightly in place.

Things were normal. We were all sitting in the living room while Edward played the old piano. And the eggnog was flowing…along with the couple tumblers of bourbon I'd swallowed back when no one was watching. I was warm and relaxed.

I'd placed my phone in my pocket earlier in the day. I wanted to be able to answer when Jacob called. Honestly, I'd hoped he would have called sooner, but he didn't. So, when it rang and vibrated in my pocket, I quietly excused myself and went to the kitchen.

"Jacob," I breathed, my speech slurring slightly.

"Hey, Bella," he said warmly. "You sound…happy."

I giggled, feeling my face flush. His voice was always rich and warm and deep. Soothing. And I don't know if it was the warmth of the alcohol, or just him, but I wondered for a moment why I'd pushed so hard at keeping him at a safe distance. Although, the second I thought about it, I remembered. Shaking my head, I tried to focus on just him.

"I am happy," I said. "Happy to be here with my family. Happy...happy that you called."

"Have you ummm…been drinking?"

"Just a little," I admitted with a laugh. "But we're all in for the night. And no one is driving."

"But you don't ever really drink."

"No, not usually," I said. "But it's the holidays…and I was feeling festive."

It was surprising how easy the lie came to me. I wasn't drinking because I felt festive or celebratory in any way. I was drinking to cope…and maybe to remember.

"You sound pretty festive," he murmured. "I'm glad you're having a good time."

"And I'm glad you called."

"Wow," he said, sounding surprised.

"What?"

"If this is the kind of response I get when you go away and have a chance to miss me, I think you should do it more often."

His words floated around in my hazy mind. Was I really all that uninviting usually?

"I did miss you," I said, before quickly adding, "I do."

"I miss you too, Bella."

"What are your plans for the rest of the week?" I asked, wanting to change the subject. Everything was getting a little too real, and I wasn't sure I should continue the conversation on its current path.

"Not too much," he sighed. "Taking Billy to the doctor tomorrow and doing a little last minute shopping."

"That's nice," I told him. "Is Billy okay?"

"Yeah, sure," he said. "It's just a checkup."

"I don't…" I started. "I don't know how much I'll be available for the rest of the week, Jake. But I'm glad you called. I wanted," I sighed heavily, "I wanted…to hear your voice."

It wasn't a lie. When I told him I wanted him to call, I meant it. Even if the need was sparked by something else.

The sound of the piano had stopped, and I silently cursed myself for thinking about Edward while I was talking to Jake. I wasn't being fair to him. And just like always, I wasn't able to give him every piece of me.

"Do me a favor," he whispered, a conspiratorial tone to his voice.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Promise me that when you get back, you'll have a drink or two with me."

"Ummm…" I hesitated. "Okay."

"I like this uninhibited Bella."

And he meant it.

I could hear it in his voice. He meant what he was saying. He liked me…cared for me. And it seemed so big as I stood there. That someone – anyone – cared about me at all. Like that.

"I like you, too," I whispered.

"I miss you, Bella."

"I miss you, too."

I hung up the phone, holding it in my hands as I stared at the screen. I couldn't tell if I felt better or worse after speaking to him. It was good to hear his voice, but a part of me wondered if I was really capable of giving him more than I already had. I wanted to think I could as much I as knew that I probably couldn't.

"Who do you like, Bella?"

Edward's voice was soft and rough like the expensive wool sweater he was wearing. I turned to see him, standing in the doorway. Quiet, looming, brooding…and everything he ever was in my dreams.

"Who do you miss?"

He stepped closer – his green eyes penetrating mine. And my body reacted the same way it always did. Wanting to pull him closer, but scared of pushing him away.

"Does it matter?" I asked, sounding so much more assertive than I felt.

"What if I told you it did?" His voice was smooth like whipped cream.

"If it mattered," I told him, my spine tingling from base to tip, "if it _really_ mattered…we wouldn't be having this conversation."

He stepped in closer. I could see the flare of his nostrils as he breathed in. I could smell the soft, spicy scent of his cologne. His presence was overwhelming to my senses, my body…my soul.

Just like always.

"Who is _Jake_?" he asked, spitting his name harshly.

"Jacob is my friend."

His hand reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my face. I tried to ignore the electric tingle – tried to ignore the surge of wet heat between my legs.

"A friend…" he mused. "A friend you kiss on the regular?"

His voice was laced with sarcasm and an edge of anger. I stepped away from him…his touch. I couldn't take it any longer. I saw the half-empty bottle of Maker's Mark on the counter, and took the empty tumbler from the sink. I poured myself another drink, and facing away from him, I answered, "Jacob is a friend."

I sipped the bourbon slowly – feeling the burn. Loving it. Hating it. And then I felt him behind me. His body all but pressed against mine. I wanted to lean back. I wanted to sink into him, to feel my head against his chest…to feel him wrap his arms around me and hold me like only he could.

"That's a lot of bourbon," he whispered. "You should pace yourself."

And the fact that he could question me about _this_ was too much.

"It's only one glass, Edward," I said calmly. "I'm a grown woman. I'm sure I can handle it."

He leaned in closer. I could feel his warm breath against my neck.

"You _are_ a grown woman," he whispered, causing an almost violent shiver to run through my body. "But that's not your first glass."

"How do you know?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"Just because you think I'm not watching," he whispered again, "doesn't mean I don't see."

Straightening my spine, I tipped my head back and defiantly finished the drink. I turned around to face him. I could feel the heat of the bourbon as it settled inside me. I could feel the hot flush of my face and neck and chest.

"You've _never_ seen me," I told him, looking directly in his eyes. They were vivid and fierce. But the liquor made me feel fierce, too. "You never really _see_ me."

His eyes flashed, and a slight, frustrated groan ripped from his throat.

It sounded pained and hurt.

And because that was how I felt, I fucking loved it.

Didn't he deserve to hurt, too?

"You're drunk, Bella," he said, his voice suddenly controlled. "This is enough. You need to stop before you say something you'll regret."

"Oh," I choke–laughed. "So, you're the only one who's allowed to get drunk and make mistakes that you regret?"

The moment the words escaped my lips, I wanted to take them back. But it was when I looked in his stricken and devastated eyes, I realized there was no taking anything back ever again.

Not for him.

Not for me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

With hot tears spilling down my cheeks, I fled the room.

And I ran away from Edward.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you to each and every one of you reading. Thank you for your kind words, your thoughts and all of the personal stories that you've shared. And thank you for supporting me and this story. I am truly humbled.**

**Marvar, I love you. Thank you for being the wonderful beta, partner and friend that you are. You mean the world to me.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…thank you for everything that you do for me. I love you all like whoa. **

**See you in the morning!**


	7. Chapter 7

**8 Years Earlier…**

Alice and Jasper were both asleep on the couch. Well, passed out was more like it. I walked over and grabbed a blanket from the back of the love seat where Edward was sitting, my hand brushing his shoulder as I reached past. His head leaned in, and pressed against my arm. His breath was slow and warm against my skin – his messy hair softer than I'd imagined. Well, mostly. I suppose I always imagined it was really soft. Pulling back, I walked over to the couch and covered the two sleeping beauties up. And then I stood there, unsure of what I should do.

The Christmas tree was beautiful, but not as beautiful as Edward was with the twinkling lights shining on his face. I rolled my eyes as I considered just how lame and hopeless I really was.

He looked up at me with hooded eyes, and my breath caught in my throat. And I couldn't help but notice the almost-empty bottle of bourbon on the side table. He was twenty-one, though. He could do or drink anything he wanted. God knows everyone else had.

"I should probably get ready for bed," I mumbled, feeling nervous. "Esme and Carlisle will be here in the morning."

He smiled at me – lazy and sweet. And my heartbeat increased, as I felt my face flush with heat.

"Come," he patted between his legs. "Come and sit with me for a little while, Bella."

I'm sure I gaped as I looked at him. His request took me by surprise. For as much as I secretly thought the entire world revolved around him, he'd always remained so quiet and withdrawn. Almost stoic in his interactions. Especially with me.

"I…I don't…" I stammered. "I don't know if I should."

His eyes pulled away from mine, and he looked down. He took another drink of the amber colored liquid before setting it on the table next to the bottle. And then, he looked back up at me. His eyes seemed deeper, the green darker.

"Why, Bella?" he asked. "Are you afraid of me?"

I looked at him, shocked. I guess in some ways I was afraid of him. Or of rejection. But I murmured, "No," and hoped that he wouldn't see the blush I knew was covering my face.

"Please," he said softly. "Come and sit with me, Bella. Just for a little while. Everyone else is asleep."

I went without question. What would have been the point in attempting to say no? I could never deny him anything. Not that he'd ever asked me for anything before.

"Right here," he said, patting between his legs again.

"Okay," I acquiesced, lowering myself to the floor between them.

We sat there for a long while, not really saying anything. Just looking at the fire that was dwindling down. And even though the room was warm, I shivered as I sat there so close to him.

"You didn't drink anything tonight," he said, chuckling softly.

"I think you had enough for the both of us." It came out as a whisper, even though I didn't really mean it to. I was just so nervous and excited to be sitting so close to him.

"Bourbon is so sweet," he murmured. "But it burns."

He let out a heavy sigh, and then, to my shock and amazement, he began to stroke my hair. His touch was soft, and it thrilled me. He'd never really even touched me before. And never like that.

"How is school?" he asked, still continuing to play with my hair.

"It's okay," I told him. My eyes were closed and I was trying to force my heart to calm down. "Finals were a little harder than I expected."

"I'm sure you did fine," he murmured. "You were always…I mean, you…you're really smart."

I wanted to look at him, but I was afraid to move too much. If I moved, he might stop touching me. And like a kitten needing to be petted, I leaned into his touch. He breathed out; I could feel the warm air as it grazed my neck. And he continued playing with my hair. And nothing in the world had ever felt so good.

"Not as smart as you," I mumbled.

"I'm not as smart as you think," he said darkly.

"Well, I'll be sure to remember that when I go back to Washington State," I chided him. "While you go back east to your Ivy League school."

I waited for him to laugh, but he didn't. He took another deep breath, his fingers moving to the hair close to my scalp. I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning because it felt so good.

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Dartmouth," he finally said. "Sometimes I wish…"

His voice trailed off with his thought, and I wondered what he wanted to say.

"Sometimes you wish what?" I asked.

I still couldn't look at him. Even though I wanted to see his eyes. They were always so expressive, if not entirely unreadable to me. I never knew what he was thinking. And sitting this close to him was even more confusing than ever.

"Nothing, Bella," he breathed. I could smell the sweet smoke of the bourbon on his breath. I'd never really liked alcohol. I'd only ever really tried it once. But he made it smell good. Or maybe it was just him. "It doesn't matter what I wish."

"You matter," I whispered. The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. He was so close, and the house was so quiet. And stupidly, I spoke without really thinking.

"Not as much as you."

I didn't understand his words – couldn't wrap my mind around them. But any attempt at comprehension stopped, when his hands moved from my hair to my neck. His fingers were so warm against my skin. And I tingled and shivered all over as he touched me…stroked me.

"I think you've had too much to drink, Edward," I told him. I couldn't believe what I was about to say, because I wanted to stay there with him all night. Listening to his voice…feeling his touch. "Maybe you should go to bed."

"Maybe you should tuck me in, Bella," he said.

I turned my face up to look at him. His words caught me so off guard. His cheeks were flushed like mine. Although, I was certain his flush was from the whiskey. Whereas mine…mine was from the desperate way I secretly loved him.

It was strange to even think it. I rarely allowed myself the chance. Admitting my desperate addiction for Edward was something I only indulged occasionally. Usually when I was alone and in my own bed at night. No one knew about my feelings. They never had – not even Alice. Because I knew he'd never felt the same.

"Let's get you upstairs, Edward," my voice shook as I whispered. "I think you need to sleep."

"Walk with me?" he asked.

"Of course," I said.

Like I ever had a choice.

His room was dark as we walked in. He stumbled slightly, but he was holding my hand. And even though I knew he was just using me for support, I knew I would remember the way his hand felt in mine forever.

I turned on the lamp on his nightstand, and he sat down on the edge of the bed. I remember noticing that even though he was sitting down, he didn't release me. In fact, his fingers gripped me tighter.

His eyes were downcast. It was almost like he was looking at our hands. But I couldn't be sure because I couldn't see his eyes. I don't know what came over me, but I found myself reaching out with my free hand, and touching his cheek. It was warm and soft. Even though there was a slight stubble on his skin. And just like he'd done earlier, he pressed his face against my hand, nuzzling me gently. I held my breath.

"That feels nice, Bella," he whispered. "I don't want you to stop."

His words hurt, because I knew he didn't really mean them. Or if he did, it was just the alcohol talking. But for a moment, I allowed myself to think he really did. To pretend that he wanted my touch. It was wrong. It was so completely wrong, but it was a fantasy I couldn't bring myself to deny. So, I stayed there touching him. And I closed my eyes and imagined him sober and really meaning it.

The fantasy became too painful, because no matter how much I wanted it, deep down I knew it wasn't true. I opened my eyes to find him looking at me, his own pained expression on his face. I looked down again, unable to bear it. Everything about the moment was too much. And my heart couldn't take anymore. So, I kneeled down before him.

"What are you doing?" he rasped, his voice louder than before.

Startled by his response, I stammered, "I'm…ummm…I'm taking off your shoes. You know…so you can get in bed and sleep."

His eyes were more alert than before, but the haze of the alcohol still remained. His expression softened immediately, and he said, "You don't have to do that, Bella."

"I don't mind," I told him. "You would do the same thing for me."

I said it even though I didn't really know if it was true. But the delusional part of me wanted to pretend that it was. I took of his shoes, and then I looked back up at him. The intensity of his expression was staggering. Completely startling.

"Don't you know, beautiful Bella?"

I tried to think about the word. _Beautiful._ He didn't really mean it. He couldn't.

"What?" I whispered.

He reached down, and he cupped my face. His hands were warm against my own hot skin, and I tried to push back the emotions that were bubbling up inside me and threatening to come out. But I couldn't help the cry that escaped my lips, as he leaned down to kiss me.

Edward was kissing me.

It was closed and soft at first, but I opened up to him immediately. I was desperate to know what he tasted like. And while the taste of bourbon was heavy on his tongue, it was also just him…everything about him. Happiness and ecstasy. And everything I dreamed he would be.

"I would do _anything_ for you," he said, pulling back.

It was a whisper, but I heard every single word. I suppose that when he said them, they were burned into my heart. I would revisit them later – cling to them. Even if he never really meant them.

"Edward?"

I said his name. It was a question…a plea. I didn't understand what was happening between us. I didn't know why he spoke such things if he didn't really mean them. But maybe he did. I wasn't sure. I was afraid I'd never be sure. All of it was so foreign. And my mind was too busy racing with the possibility that he was telling the truth.

Did he know I felt the same way? Did he understand the depths of my feelings for him? I didn't know if it was possible. I thought I'd hidden myself so well.

"Stay with me tonight, Bella," he whispered. "Stay here with me…in my bed. I want….I don't want to be alone."

I didn't want to be alone either. All of the feelings and emotions I'd kept hidden were right there underneath the surface. I'd been so lonely for the last two years. I missed my family, and I missed him most of all. Just him – his presence. We'd never been close, but I was always so content to have him floating in and around the edges of my life.

I knew when I nodded my head in agreement, I was making a choice. It was _my_ choice. But there was nothing that could have stopped me from crawling into the bed beside him.

His entire body curled up against mine. He pulled me close. He face was buried in my hair, and I reveled in the feeling of him breathing in deeply. I wondered if he thought that I smelled good. The same way that I thought he did.

I wondered if he liked the way I felt. I wondered if it was the same for him. Because for me, it was like he was molded to my body. Like he was always supposed to be there…with me…like this. And almost like he could hear my thoughts, he whispered, "You feel so good, Bella."

His breath tickled my ear, causing me to shiver. Only I wasn't cold. I was hot. There was this heat that spread throughout my body. And it only intensified, as his hands began to move and roam.

"You feel good, too," I whispered, my words sounding stupid and not enough as I spoke them. Because it was so much more than good. So much more than I could have ever imagined.

I felt this tingle and pulse between my legs. I could feel the wet and heat of my arousal. His mouth was on my neck – sloppy and hot and wet. It was rougher than I imagined it would be with him. In my dreams, he's always been soft and sweet and gentle. But this was real – and because of that – this was so much better.

I didn't know how far he wanted to take this. But I decided that it didn't matter. I would let him go as far as he wanted. I'd belonged to him since I was thirteen. Since the first time I saw him – and it didn't matter that he didn't want me then.

I wanted to cry that he wanted me now.

His hands grew more forceful, desperate in their touch. And I turned my face back to him, wanting him to kiss me again. It was harder this time – more desperate and needy. But I didn't care because that was exactly how I felt. I ached for him. Hungered for him. It had been his vision behind my eyes when I first explored my body. It had been his name on my lips whenever I'd made myself come.

He was lips moving and tongue pushing and teeth biting. And it hurt. But the pain was so good. It was him, and it was _something_. He needed me the same way. He wanted me the same way. So, I kissed back just as hard. I opened more and gave him what he was seeking.

His hand grabbed my breasts through my clothes. And I gasped at the sensation.

"Bella," he groaned my name. "Bella, Bella, Bella…Bella."

Over and over again, he said it. And it was _my_ name on his lips…the sound of it in his voice was more beautiful than any song I'd ever heard.

He reached under my shirt and bra. And when his skin touched me there, I moaned his name in return. His response was loud, guttural…and he pinched my nipple hard. I cried out – unsure if it was from pleasure or pain. But the truth is that it was both.

His hand slipped down between my legs, pressing hard and cupping me.

"So wet and hot," he said. "You're so wet and hot, Bella."

I could feel color flood my face – the blood rushing there from my embarrassment. I didn't know what he would think of the way I felt down there. Didn't know if it was good that I responded to him that way.

His fingers pressed and rubbed quickly, and I spread my legs wider, trying to pull him closer. I cried out when he touched me where I was most sensitive. I'd never touched myself this hard…this rough. But he covered my mouth, stifling my cry. And it all felt erotic and sexy…because it was him.

And then he pulled back, fumbling and moving. He looked down at me through hooded, dilated eyes. He asked me if I wanted this – if I wanted him. And I told him yes because it was true. Because I had wanted this forever.

He took off my clothes slowly. Piece by piece. It was the most gentle he had been with me since I'd gotten into bed. He spread my legs, staring at me open and vulnerable. And I lay there, embarrassed. I didn't know if I was what he expected, but I needed so much to be what he wanted.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered. His hand visibly shaking as he reached out to touch me. "I knew you'd be like this," he said, his fingers stroking the hair he found there. "All natural and perfect and pink."

His words sounded so dirty, but they made me even wetter. He moaned as his fingers slipped up and down just inside me…like he liked the way I felt. How wet he made me.

"Please," I whispered. "Please, please please…"

I didn't know what I was asking for. I couldn't articulate what I wanted. Because I wanted everything. Anything at all.

"What, Bella?" he said, still continuing to touch me. "Tell me."

"Naked," I panted. "I don't want to be naked alone. I want you naked…with me."

"Oh, god," he cried. "Oh, Bella."

Pushing up, he kneeled between my legs. He undressed himself quickly, his arms and legs flailing all around me. And as his sex came into my view, I trembled and gasped. It was beautiful – long and hard and erect. It was deep red with a swollen head. And it was so much bigger than I expected. Beautiful just like him.

"You can touch it," he whispered roughly. "I want you to."

My hand shook as I reached out to touch him. As soon as I felt him in my hand, he gasped. He moaned. It was the most erotic thing I'd ever heard. He was so hard in my hand, but his skin felt so soft and delicate. Unsure of what to do, I wrapped my fist around him. I rubbed a little – up and down and soft and slow. His noises, the way he panted and groaned, made me feel like I was doing the right thing.

"Does it feel good?" I asked. I needed him to tell me. I wanted to make him feel good.

"Ungh…oh, god," he babbled. "So good, Bella."

There was liquid on the tip; my thumb reached out to touch it. This made him hiss, as his entire body spasmed and convulsed.

"You wa-want this?" he asked. "You really want this? With me?"

My hand stilled as I looked up into his eyes. They were still wide and dilated. But he was looking at me. He wanted me. Didn't he know I wanted him like this? How could he not know?

"I want this," I whispered, the truth of my words overriding any fear or uncertainty. "I want you, Edward."

His body fell forward, collapsing on mine. He was so much heavier than I expected, but he was so close I didn't care. He grabbed me and pulled me closer. His mouth covered mine and he kissed me so long and so deep, I was gasping for breath. But I still didn't care – I couldn't. This was all that mattered. He was all that had _ever_ mattered.

He reached between us and took himself into his hand.

"Spread your legs wider, Bella," he grunted in my ear.

I did what he said without question. The only thought running through my mind was that I was finally going to be with him. Edward was going to make love to me. And I had waited – waited for him.

I reached up and held onto him. I was scared, but I was afraid if I said anything, he would stop. And I couldn't let him. Not now – not when I knew he wanted me like this, too. He positioned himself at my entrance. I tried to relax my body, but my nerves were on fire. I wanted him to look at me, but he buried his face in my neck. And then he shifted his hips and pushed inside in one long thrust.

It was a deep red burn as his body ripped through mine. I felt myself tear and rip – stretching as I tried to adjust to his size. I screamed out louder than I intended. And he covered my mouth, kissing me hard and absorbing my cries.

"Fuck," he cried. "Bella, you're so fucking tight. Move with me, baby."

I don't know if it was the euphoric expression on his face, or the endearment that he called me, but I did what he said. Because even though it hurt, it was still better than him not being inside me. I'd always wanted him like this. However he wanted this to be.

He began to move. It was fast and rough, but I met every thrust, clinging to him while he took me. While I gave myself to him completely. He kissed away my tears, his breath warm in my ear as he told me how good he felt inside me. That he always knew I would be like this.

A few moments later, I felt his body seize up, and he cried out my name. There were tears in his eyes, too, as he collapsed on top of me. I felt a surge of warm liquid between my legs, and I remember thinking that the feeling was oddly soothing.

I held him and stroked him – his back, his shoulders, and his hair. He stayed wrapped around me, resting his head on my chest. Being with Edward was nothing like I'd expected it would be. But it was still him – and because of that – it was still perfect to me.

He fell asleep quickly, his body a warm blanket over mine. And I whispered, "I love you, Edward. Always," into the darkness.

.

.

.

The sun was barely peeking through the window when I heard the low groan of his voice. We hadn't moved since last night. I was still delirious with sleep, and though my body ached, the fact that I'd slept in his arms comforted me.

"Oh, god," he moaned louder. "Oh, Bella."

There was something off about his voice. There was no passion or desire. It sounded like hurt and despair, and I couldn't fathom what it meant, because I was feeling bliss.

"What did I do?" he said, his voice growing louder. "Bella, what did you let me do?"

My eyes shot open, as he quickly pulled away from me. The cold air was harsh and jarring. My eyes followed his down, and his loud gasp shocked me even more than what I was seeing.

Blood.

Blood on his sex.

Blood on mine.

Blood on the bed.

"You were a virgin?" he hissed. "You were a _fucking_virgin?"

His eyes searched mine – hard and pleading.

Then frightened.

Then angry.

"I…I…I…" I stammered, my eyes filling with tears. "I thought you knew."

"Oh, god…I was drunk…and I…oh, god…" his words were erratic and making no sense. And his still- beautiful, naked body was rocking before mine. "How could you let me fuck you?"

If he had slapped me hard across my face, it would have hurt less. I could have handled it and recovered. But his words were beyond hurtful – they were devastating.

"You begged me," I whispered, my voice thick with tears. "You begged me to stay. You…you wanted me."

I scrambled up and out of bed. I was too embarrassed to even look for my clothes. I grabbed his sheet, and wrapped it around my naked body. I was humiliated and hurt. And he was still sitting there….saying nothing.

And my heart and body were broken.

I felt violated and used.

And it was all my fucking fault.

I walked to the door and he never once tried to stop me. So, in anger I turned around.

"I did let you, Edward," I said, my voice cold and cracked. "I let you touch me. And I let you kiss me. And I let you inside my body. But I didn't know until just now that you fucked me."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate every single comment, review, message and tweet. I know I sound like a broken record, but I am sincerely humbled and amazed by every single person in this fandom. Especially that you take the time to read my words. I love you all.**

**Marvar is amazing. And if you didn't know, she hates angst. Like, she hates it. But she reads and edits every single word I write. And for that, I am eternally thankful. And I love her. More than I love Edward and chocolate. And I have total PMS right now…so I love chocolate a whole fucking lot.**

**My pre-readers are the best group of women I could ever ask for. They all offer such wonderful support and opinions that make me think about what I'm writing. Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…IFLY. You make this fun.**

**See you in the morning!**


	8. Chapter 8

The room was dark, and the house was quiet. I'd spent the last couple hours tossing and turning in bed while I drifted in and out of restless sleep. My dreams came in flashes – filled with vivid green and deep crimson, but always shrouded in black.

I didn't know why it always had to be so hard with us. I didn't know why he continued to come to me year after year. And even more than that, I didn't know why I let him.

Edward was like a drug to me. It was the only way to explain it. It wasn't healthy, but I needed it. I craved him desperately. And just like an addict, I kept taking the next hit until it was gone. Until he was gone.

He came in silently, but I could feel him. He crawled onto the bed beside me, and I could feel his apprehension…his hushed hesitation. And pathetically, I turned my body, allowing him to embrace me.

Greedily, I breathed him in. My salted tears saturated his cotton shirt. And he held me, letting me cry myself out. When I finally settled, his thumbs wiped my tears before he kissed me tenderly on my cheeks. And this was the Edward I'd always expected – the one who filled my dreams as a child. And even as a young woman. But he was also the one I didn't understand. He was the one who'd made it impossible to ever move on.

"Why do you still let me come?" he asked, his voice low and quiet. "Why do you let me come to you like this every year?"

I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't say the words out loud. I'd only said them once – the night I'd lost my virginity. But after what happened the next morning, I knew that my love for him never mattered. To anyone except me.

I took a deep breath before responding.

"Why do _you_ still come?"

It wasn't an answer, but it was all I could offer.

He sighed heavily, pulling me closer, and kissing me gently on the forehead.

"I come," he whispered, "I come because I need you too much to stay away."

"It's the same for me," I told him. "It always has been."

We lay there in silence for what seemed like a very long while. My mind drifted to that Christmas Eve eight years before.

.

.

.

_I'd been withdrawn and quiet all day. Avoiding Edward at all cost. That part was easy, since he stayed in his room for most of the morning. Esme and Carlisle had arrived, and after spending a few moments with them and the family, I excused myself, claiming sickness, and escaped to my room._

_It wasn't a complete lie. My body was sore, painfully so. My sex was swollen, and the inside of my thighs ached and burned whenever I moved. My head throbbed and spun with the knowledge that I'd given Edward the only thing I had left that wasn't already his. Along with my heart and soul, he also had my innocence. It was his – I'd saved it for him. I knew it was a foolish, childish notion. But that was how I'd always loved him. _

_Foolishly. _

_Endlessly. _

_But he hadn't wanted it. Not the way I wanted him to have it. I'd imagined that we would make love – that if it ever happened, it would be something soft and sweet and tender. Romantic like a novel. But it was nothing like that. It was quick and hard and deep. It was painful. And in his own words, he had fucked me._

"Why did you let me fuck you?"

_His words still hurt more than the aches in my body._

_Edward fucked me. Drunk, and most likely completely unaware that he had done so. And the worst thing about all of it – the most shameful – was that I had let him. I let him do it, knowing he was drunk. I let him do it, knowing that he'd never shown an interest in me before. I let him do it because I loved him hopelessly. Like a schoolgirl. And I placed meaning in his words and actions that were never really there._

_He came to my room that night after everyone was asleep. He came to me stoic and quiet and broken. And I'd done that to him. It was like I was feeling my own pain. _

"_It shouldn't have happened," he said, breaking my heart all over again. _

_I wanted to argue with him – to tell him that he'd wanted it. To tell him that he wanted me. He'd been hard for me. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell him those things because deep down I knew…I was the one who wanted him. I had always wanted only him. And I was ashamed to know that the desire was only mine. He never really wanted me._

_It was all my fault._

_He reached out for me in my bed. He pulled me against his chest, and I wasn't strong enough to stop him. And even though I was humiliated, I let him hold me while I cried…because I so desperately needed the comfort._

"_Are you hurt, Bella?" he asked, only making me cry harder. "Are you sore?"_

"_I'm okay," I lied._

_Because nothing was okay. Not my body…not my heart._

"_You're lying," he said. "Please, Bella. Please, don't lie to me. Not about this. Christ," he rasped, sitting up and leaning over me. He was looking at me – even in the dark I could see his eyes. There was pain…and regret. And the fact that he regretted what happened between us killed me. "I can't…I don't…I don't remember…everything that happened."_

_I would always remember that moment. Because it solidified everything that I already knew was true. I had been alone in my feelings the night before. He didn't even remember being with me. _

_His hand reached out and touched my face, and his eyes searched mine. And then his hands were on my body – my neck and chest and arms. He stroked me gently – almost lovingly. I had to close my eyes against the onslaught of emotions that were threatening to overtake me._

"_Stop," I whispered. "Don't."_

"_You have to let me try," he told me. "Your first time…it shouldn't…it shouldn't have been that way."_

"_I was the sober one, Edward," I snapped. I couldn't listen to any more. I couldn't lay there while he told me that he didn't remember what happened. Not when I always would. "You don't have to feel bad about anything. This was all my fault."_

_I only partly believed what I was saying. He had asked me to stay with him. He kissed me first, and whispered sweet things. But I'd known he had too much to drink. I should have stopped him. I shouldn't have let him…_

"_You think this is your fault?" he asked. "Bella, no…listen to me."_

"_I can't," I cried. "I can't listen to this anymore."_

"_Please," he begged, taking my face softly in his hands. His lips came down on mine. It was tender and sweet and everything I'd wanted his kiss to be the night before. "Please let me show you how….how it should have been. How I should have made it for you."_

"_Don't, Edward," I cried against his lips. _

_He didn't listen. His mouth continued kissing me, even against my protest. And I know it made me weak and stupid and beyond pathetic, but I couldn't tell him no. Not when I still wanted him so badly._

"_Please…please, you have to let me."_

_His hands trailed down my body, touching me everywhere. He reached the space between my legs, and I had to look away because I knew he would find me aroused and embarrassingly wet for him. And how sick was that? How entirely fucked up? His touch was gentle…nervous even. But I was still sore and I couldn't help but flinch as his fingers pressed against me._

"_Oh, god," he said. "I hurt you. You have to know. I would never, never hurt you, Bella. Not like this. Never like this."_

"_It's okay," I mumbled. "It's supposed to hurt the first time."_

_I didn't know why, but I felt the need to comfort him. Even though I needed comfort, too. I couldn't stand being the reason that he would ever hurt. Not for anything in the world. Even after everything that happened._

"_Let me make it better," he whispered. "Let me make it good."_

_All I could do was nod my head._

_He lowered my pants and panties, and he opened me up slowly. I was aching, but it was a different ache. It was filled with need and want and the desire to give him anything. The still-selfish longing to take whatever he offered. And then, he kissed me. Between my knees and along my thighs. And when he reached my sex, I felt the slow, wet stroke of his tongue. I whimpered and cried because it felt so good. And he moaned my name against my flesh, whispering dirty things about how beautiful I was. How sweet I tasted._

_And everything about what was happening, was exactly how I always imagined he would be. And maybe he didn't love me, but that night he loved my body. He gave, and never took anything in return. He kissed and lapped and licked and sucked until I was nothing more than a quivering, crying mess. And he made me come for the first time that wasn't from my own hands. Over and over again._

_I was drifting to sleep in his arms. I'd been in and out of consciousness for over an hour while he held me. And I thought I heard him whisper, "Merry Christmas, Bella," but I was never really certain if it was real or just a dream._

_He left silently that night, taking a piece of me with him. And I'd never taken it back in all these years._

.

.

.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me, his question a whisper against my hair as he pulled me from my thoughts.

I didn't have the strength to lie.

"That first Christmas Eve with you," I told him. I felt the soft press of his lips against my forehead again. "What were you thinking about?"

His voice was low and rough. "The night before."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I stayed quiet. I didn't know what I wished for any more. I used to hope that one day he would tell me that he loved me. That he would take me in his arms – the same way he was holding me now – and whisper the words.

He never did.

He never would.

"I hate…" he started, but then took in a ragged breath. "You don't know how much I hate that…that I can't remember."

It stung – his words. It was the truth. I'd always known it, but even eight years later, it fucking broke me. I would _always_ remember. I would _never_ forget. And not because it was my first time, but because it was my first time with him.

It had always been about him. Even when it was about me. Everything centered around the way I desperately loved him. It was the reason I stayed in Washington after school. I couldn't bear to be around him and not be with him.

I'd deluded myself into thinking that I could do it – be with him like this once a year. And I had. I had, to my own detriment. I had, at the expense of pushing everyone I loved away. Anyone new in my life.

"It doesn't matter," I told him.

"_You matter_," he whispered.

His words struck me. They were the same words I'd said to him before everything that happened that first night. I pressed myself in closer, pulling him against me. Needing to feel him close because I was certain that this would be the last time. For as much as I loved him – as much as I'd always loved him – I knew that this would have to end. We couldn't do this to each other forever. So, I had to say the words.

"Just not enough."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**The response to Chapter 7 was beyond anything I could have imagined. Thank you for all the love and support for what I'm sure was a very difficult chapter to read. Trust. It was harder to write. I adore you all and still continue to be amazed by your love and support.**

**Marvar, thank you for always making time for me. What you do (and I make you do it a lot) isn't always easy. And I appreciate and love you more than you know. And much more than I can ever say in an A/N. But that doesn't mean I'll stop.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…ILY girls so much. Thank you for everything you do for me. Your always there for me to bounce ideas off…and you always tell me what you think. That kind of feedback and support is priceless. Just like all of you.**

**See you in the morning!**


	9. Chapter 9

I don't know how long Edward held me after we talked. But I stayed in his arms for as long as he was there. There were no other words spoken between us – no apologies or explanations. From either of us. And I suppose that we'd really said everything there was to say. This was it. Everything had been leading up to this point…the breaking point.

I was broken, and maybe he was, too. But as much as I loved him – as much as I'd always loved him – I couldn't stay broken forever. I needed to move on. I needed to find some peace…some happiness in my life. And for as much as I thought Edward made me happy – for as much as being with him like this seemed to fill me – it was only temporary. And I always walked away feeling more broken and used than before.

And I wasn't blaming him for everything…or anything for that matter. This had been my choice for all these years. Yes, he'd come to me…but I let him. And I knew that if I didn't end it, it would just go on forever.

At some point, in the middle of the night, I felt him lean down and press a soft kiss against the top of my head. It broke me all over again. Just the feeling of his lips on me. I didn't say anything; I was afraid that the sob I was holding in the back of my throat would escape. I don't know if he thought I was sleeping, but he kissed me once more. And then he whispered, "Bella, I'm so sorry."

He slipped quietly out of my bed after that. He paused at the door – my eyes were closed, but I could feel him. And then he left. And I was alone.

Sleep didn't come easy. I tossed and turned all night. I played the conversation over and over in my mind. I questioned whether or not I'd done the right thing. But I knew I had. And I knew I had to force myself to be strong. I would just have to wear a different mask now. And I could do that, if it meant that both of us could move on from this.

.

.

.

It wasn't even light outside when I decided to get out of bed. I took a shower and dressed for the day before making my way down to the kitchen. After brewing a pot of coffee, I poured myself a cup. I was standing by the window looking outside at the snow, when Alice walked up behind me.

"You're up early," she said.

"Couldn't sleep," I murmured before taking a drink.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked.

I looked back at her – her expression was soft and pained. But most of all, understanding. A brief moment of panic shot through me, and my eyes widened in shock.

"You know?" I asked.

She looked down guiltily.

"For a while," she admitted.

I was embarrassed. I don't know why it was my first reaction. It wasn't that I was ashamed of Edward – God knows I would have loved nothing more than for us to come out as a couple to our family. They were all together. No, I was ashamed of the way I'd allowed everything to happen. The way I'd let it continue for all these years.

"How long?" I asked. "And why didn't you tell me?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

There were tears in my eyes, as I stood there looking at my sister. And a whole new shame covered me, because I knew that this was something I should have been able to share with her. This wasn't the kind of secret you kept from the person who was supposed to be your best friend.

"It's complicated," I told her.

"Well," she said, reaching up to wipe my tears. "I've got nothing but time. And no one else is awake."

She poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat down at the table with me. We were both silent for a while. I was trying to figure out how I would even begin talking about something I'd kept inside for so long. And Alice never pressured me. She just let me sit there until I was ready to lay everything on the table.

"Seriously," I said, looking at her. "How long have you known?"

"That you've been sleeping with him…or that you're in love with him?" she asked, her voice quiet and even.

I gasped at her words – direct and to the point.

"Because," she continued, "They're really two separate questions. And I've known about one much longer than the other."

"You have?" I asked, biting my thumbnail.

"Bella, be real with me. If we're going to actually talk about this – and I think you need to – then you have to be honest. You think I don't know you? You think I don't know that my sister…my best friend…is in love with Edward? You've been in love with him forever. Probably since before I ever came along."

"How did do…what are you…" I stammered. "Why didn't you ever say anything to me?"

She took a long drink of her coffee. Her grey eyes stared back at mine. And I watched as she reached across the table and took my hand in hers.

"Why didn't _you_ ever say anything to _me_?"

I bit down on my bottom lip, afraid I was about to cry. I took a drink of coffee instead, hoping to wash back the tears gathered in the back of my throat. I didn't want to cry any more. I was sick of it. Sick of being weak. Sick of never ever being enough.

"Because I was embarrassed," I finally admitted. "I've been so ashamed of myself."

And I cried as the words came out. Trying to prevent it had been useless. The tears were hot and wet and I should have known I'd never be able to keep them in.

"Oh, Bella," she sighed. "Why are you ashamed?"

I looked at her. There was no judgment on her face, no reason to think that she thought less of me. But how could she not think less of me? Especially after what I'd done. What I'd been hiding and lying about for such a long time.

"Because I'm pathetic," I told her. "Because…because I'm stupid and weak and in love with a man who will never love me back. Because I've been lying – not just to you – to Jacob, too." My mind couldn't begin to think about all the ways I was hurting Jacob. And he didn't know. He had no idea. "I've let this go on for so fucking long and I don't know how to stop it."

I laughed. Because the last part wasn't even really true. I had stopped it, but only after years and years of allowing it to continue.

"Love never makes you pathetic," she said. "Sometimes it makes you stupid. But not pathetic, Bella. You're not pathetic."

"You're wrong," I told her. "You don't even know how weak and stupid I am."

"You're right," she said. "I don't know everything. But sweetie, you can't beat yourself up like this. That's not going to help anything. Tell me what happened."

"I don't even know where to start," I cried. "Which part do you want to know? That I've loved him for as long as I can remember? That I was stupid and weak and slept with him one night while he was drunk? And I was a virgin. And he didn't even remember, Alice. He didn't even remember that we'd done anything."

I looked at her wide eyes, her thoughtful expression. I didn't even want to know what she was thinking. Couldn't stand the thought that she knew just how terrible I really was. But it was out there now, and I couldn't stop myself. So the words just poured out, without my even thinking about them.

"Or maybe you'd be more interested in knowing that even after all of that, I still continued to sleep with him. I still wanted him. And year after fucking year, he'd come to my bed in the middle of the night and I would just…just let him. I wanted it. It was me. I couldn't stand the thought of him not doing it. How fucked up is that? And then…then there's Jacob."

I sighed heavily the moment I said his name.

Jacob.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. I looked down at the table into my coffee cup. I stared at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"First of all," Alice said, and then she paused, waiting for me to look at her. I reluctantly lifted my eyes. "There were two of you doing this, Bella. It wasn't just you. And I'm not going to pretend to know all your reasons for doing it…for letting it go on this long. But I know that love makes you do crazy things. And I'm not going to sit here and let you take all the blame. Yes…you let him come. But he was still coming, right?"

I nodded my head.

"Then he has to take some of the responsibility, too."

"But don't you see?" I asked. "Don't you see? I could have stopped all this. I was the one who was sober that first night. I was the one who should have said no. But I didn't…I didn't because I didn't want to. I couldn't say no."

"Why haven't you guys ever talked about this?" she asked. "That's the part I don't understand. How have you never talked about your feelings?"

"He was never interested in talking," I told her. "And I am the only one who feels anything."

She looked at me for a long moment, her brows furrowed.

"I don't think that's true, Bella," she said. "I don't think that's true at all."

"You're wrong."

We sat there for a little while longer. The sun was beginning to rise, and I knew we wouldn't have much more time alone.

"Who's Jacob?" she finally asked.

I met her eyes and then sighed.

"He's…Jacob is my friend," I told her. "He's…well, I guess he's more than that. At least he wants to be. But I've never been able to be with him…you know…that way. But he's so sweet, Alice. He's good to me. He makes me smile and laugh. When I'm with him, it's easy to…forget."

Her expression grew serious…contemplative.

"What are you trying to forget?"

"Edward."

"You'll never forget Edward, Bella," she said. "You're in love with him. You always have been. And besides that, he's your family. Our family. He's not going anywhere. He's always going to be around…in the picture in some way or another. And did I mention that you love him?"

She stood up, and walked around the table. She crouched down beside my chair until she was eye level with me.

"It's not enough," I whispered. "It's…I've never been enough."

She sighed, wrapping her arms around me. I breathed in her scent – all sweet and soft. And I missed her every single day, but it wasn't until that moment that I realized just how much.

"How do you know unless you ask him?"

"Does he…" I started. "Is there…does he have…someone in his life, Alice?"

I felt ridiculous asking. It wasn't really my business. I reasoned with myself that it would be better to know. That it might somehow help me to move on if I knew there actually was someone else. I mean, I always assumed he had to have someone in his life. And they'd all but confirmed it the previous morning.

She got really quiet. She didn't have to tell me. Her silence was all the answer that I needed.

"You know what," I told her. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know."

"I can't pretend to know what you should do, Bella," she said. "But I think that you need to talk to Edward. He's…he's not…he's not as together as he wants us to think. And I think you owe it to yourself…to him…to at least try and communicate."

"I don't know if I can," I whispered. "What if he doesn't want to talk to me now?"

I waited for her response, but she said nothing. My eyes were pulled across the room, as a shadow moved in the doorway.

Edward.

He stood there, with dark, tired eyes and still fucking beautiful – everything I knew I still wanted.

And then I heard his voice – soft and low and sure.

"What if he does?"

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**To everyone reading, I thank you…from the bottom of my heart. Truly. Your love and support of me, and your investment in these two broken souls means more than I can ever say. I know that these chapters have been hard to read, but my hope when I started writing this was that I could paint a picture of flawed characters that don't always make the right decisions or do the right thing. Because that's real. And I find so much beauty in the reality around me.**

**Marvar, I love you. There are no other words. Thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for being my bestie, my confidante…and the most amazing woman ever. You are beautiful and amazing.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…you girls make every single day I have better. And you make the words I write better, too. Thank you for encouraging me. And thank you for…well, everything else. IFL you all. **

**See you in the morning!**


	10. Chapter 10

My heart was in my throat, as I looked at him across the room. He had dark circles under his eyes, but it still didn't take away from his beauty. And a part of me wondered if he could have possibly spent his night like I did.

I didn't even notice when Alice slipped out of the kitchen. I couldn't stop looking at him. He didn't move – he never made one attempt to come closer. And I just stayed where I was, wondering what he was thinking. What he'd overheard.

"Do you want to go for a walk with me, Bella?"

His voice was quiet and questioning. And just like all those years before, I knew I didn't have a choice. I would go anywhere he asked.

"Okay."

I stood up, the chair scraping across the wooden floor, but the sound of my pounding heart sounded louder. At least to me.

I walked over to him, our eyes locked together the entire time. He was standing in the doorway, so I couldn't pass. I stopped before him, wanting him to just reach out and touch me, but equally terrified that he might. He took a deep breath, and I still held his eyes…searching for a sign that Alice had been right. That he could possibly feel the same way.

And then it happened.

He reached out; his finger touched my cheek. It tingled and almost burned. I wanted to reach up and hold his hand against my face. I wanted to cry and push it away. I wanted to know that he wanted to touch me at all.

"You look tired," he whispered.

"So do you."

He looked like he wanted to say something right then. And I realized that I was holding my breath. He didn't say anything, though. He just dropped his hand, and we walked to the foyer, but I remembered that my coat was upstairs.

"I need to go grab my coat," I told him, feeling awkward, and my voice shaking from nerves.

"That's okay," he murmured, taking his own jacket off. "Wear mine."

"You don't have to…" I started. "I mean…what about you? You'll get cold."

"I'll be fine," he said, holding it out and offering to put it on me. "Please…just…I want you to wear it."

I nodded my head as he slipped it over my shoulders. I was immediately warmed from his remaining body heat. And my senses were assaulted by his fragrance. The same fragrance that always lingered on my sheets. It was just him.

We stepped out onto the porch. The morning was bitter cold – the chill almost too much – and I worried that he wouldn't be able to stand it. But he shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and headed out into the snow. Like always, I followed.

My nerves took over once I knew we were completely alone. He wasn't really saying anything, and I didn't really have the courage to speak up yet. Though, I did wonder how long he'd been standing there in the kitchen…and what he heard before he spoke up.

We walked to edge of the yard. And I was looking at his footprints next to mine – outside and in the daylight. We were actually doing whatever this was. He'd all but acknowledged it in front of Alice. There was proof left behind. Even if the snow would eventually cover it back up. And then I wondered if this walk – this talk – was something I'd want to remember.

He was looking out over the hillside. There was a small creek at the bottom – frozen – just like the two of us standing there. He didn't say anything at first, and I stood there…waiting. Nervous and unsure if I should start. But I couldn't. Because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what he'd heard.

"Alice knows," I finally said.

If he heard me, he didn't acknowledge it. He just continued to look out…and not at me. So, I waited. If we were going to do this, he was going to have to be a part of it.

"I figured she did," he finally said. "But thank you for telling me."

"I didn't tell her," I admitted. "She told me she knew this morning."

I shivered from the cold, wrapping myself up tighter in his coat. Who knows? Maybe I was trying to hold myself together.

"And what did you tell her?" he asked, finally looking down at me.

I didn't know how to answer his question. I didn't know what I could say that wouldn't just be me laying myself all out on the line. And it wasn't fair for him to ask me – not when he'd given me so little.

"What did you hear?"

His eyes were pained as he looked at me. Something about his posture seemed broken, even though he was standing straight up. He reached out nervously; his hand touched my face. It was cold, even though it had been in his pocket. But there was still this spark – still this electric charge that went straight through and warmed my body.

"Who is Jacob?" he asked, his eyes wounded. "You've never told me."

"I…I don't think…" I stammered. My mind was confused. I couldn't focus while he touched me, while he looked at me like that. "I don't think it's fair for you to ask me about him. Not when…not when there's still so much that you haven't told me."

Something flashed in his eyes – it looked like anger. And that made me defensive because he had no right to be angry with me. And if he only knew the truth about Jacob – about my feelings at all – he would have no reason to be angry.

"I don't know what you want me to say," he said, pulling his hand back. I wanted to reach for him – to offer him comfort. But I was so far beyond that. Where was my comfort? "I don't know what you want to hear."

"I don't want to _hear_ anything," I spat, angry. "I want you to tell me the truth. You were the one who said you wanted to talk. So, talk. _Talk to me_. Tell me something…_anything_."

Hot tears spilled down my frozen cheeks. I hated that I was crying. I hated that it made me weak. Not that he didn't already know just how weak I really was. How hopeless I was for him. I turned away; I couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't be the one who broke down and admitted everything first, when he just stood there giving me nothing.

We stood there…silent. I could feel him behind me. I could hear his breathing. I could feel his need to reach out to me, but I couldn't understand why he wanted to.

"Do you want to know why I never bring anyone around to meet our family?" he asked, his voice so soft it was almost a whisper.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. I didn't want to think about him with anyone else. Imagining it at all broke my heart.

But my heart was already broken.

"Why?"

"Because no one has ever been good enough to meet them."

His response was simple. And I felt like he was trying to tell me something with his words. But then I remembered that he'd never told our family about me. And maybe that was because I wasn't good enough either.

"I tried," he continued. "I tried so hard to find someone. There were…a lot of other women. You don't even know, Bella. But there's no one…"

His voice trailed off and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I'd always assumed he'd had other women. I just never wanted to think about it. I never allowed myself to imagine him with someone else. Because when he was with me…he was everything. And for those few stolen moments, one week a year, he made me feel like I was everything, too.

But the reality was that I wasn't.

The harsh reality was that I was someone else that he fucked when no one else was good enough to bring around.

And because I was hurt – because I was fucking devastated – I wanted to hurt him, too.

"Jacob loves me," I said, turning around to meet his eyes. "Jacob's in love with me. And he's good to me. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh. And he's never once made me feel like anything less than someone he wants to be with. In his life. His _real_ life. He takes me on dates…I've met his friends. He doesn't keep me a secret. "

Victory surged through me, as I saw the wounded expression on his face. But it was quickly replaced with remorse, as his pained eyes bore into mine.

"Then why isn't Jacob here with you?" he asked, his voice shaking. "Why didn't you bring him here to meet us?"

And I couldn't tell him the answer because that would expose me. He would know everything then; it would lay me wide open. And he would have the power to finally break me completely.

Forever.

"Fuck you," I spat, turning to walk away from him. "That's none of your business."

He grabbed the sleeve of his jacket, stopping me momentarily. But I was too humiliated to stay. I couldn't – not when the emotions and tears I'd been holding in for so long were about to expose me.

I shrugged out of his coat, pulling away. The cold air was enough to shock me, stopping the tears. But Edward was right behind me, his hands gripping me once more.

"Isn't it?" he asked. "Isn't it my business? You wanted to talk…and I'm talking. You tell me that you're in love with someone else, and then you tell me that's none of my business. Don't you think that's something I deserve to know?"

"Why are you deserving of anything, Edward?" I asked. "Why do you deserve to get answers, when you've given me none?" My voice was louder and higher than I expected, but I couldn't stop. "You're angry about _one_ man, when you just told me that there were so many other women that I didn't even want to know. That's fucked up. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I didn't love any of them," he said.

"Did you just fuck them, too?" I asked. It all seemed wrong. This wasn't how I wanted this conversation to go. But I couldn't stop myself. We were laying everything out and examining at it – and maybe it would break us – but there was no way to stop it now. "Did you just fuck them the same way you fucked me?"

He grabbed me by my shoulders. He was holding me so roughly, it almost hurt.

"I never once fucked you," he said sharply. His eyes were intense – more intense than I'd ever seen them.

"You're wrong," I cried, a sob breaking out of my chest. "You _did_ fuck me. Those were _your_ words, Edward. _Yours!_ And maybe I should have stopped you, but I didn't. And I didn't because I wanted you so much."

Tears were in his eyes, too. And it broke me to see him cry – to know that I was causing him pain. It killed me. But he needed to know the truth. And I knew that I had to say the words. Because otherwise, I was never going to move on.

"Bella," he whispered. His voice sounded so small against my own voice that was still screaming in my mind.

"No," I cried. "You don't get to do this. Not when…not…not now."

"What?" he asked. "You're not making any sense. I don't understand."

"I'm so fucking stupid," I said. "All these years. All these years of taking what I could get…whatever you offered. And just hoping that maybe…" I sucked in a deep breath, stopping myself from telling him that I wanted him to love me. That I loved him. I couldn't tell him that. Even though I did. Even though I knew I always would. "All these years, and I have nothing to show for it. Not one thing."

"What does that mean?" he asked, his voice frantic.

"It doesn't matter," I told him. "It never has."

"You matter," he rasped. "This matters."

I looked at him then – his eyes desperate like his voice – and something in me snapped. He'd said those words to me before. Time and time again. But they were just words with no meaning behind them. I could blame him forever for never saying or doing the right thing. But it wouldn't help. Not me or him. This cycle would just continue. So I gave him the only thing I had left to give him…the truth. And he could take it – he could have it and do whatever he wanted with it. And yeah, it might break me even more. But I was already so broken it wouldn't matter.

"It's always been you, Edward," I said. "For as long as I can remember. There's never been anyone else. Not Jacob…not anyone. Not in my heart…or even my body. Both have always been yours."

He choked…or maybe it was a sob. He looked shocked and stricken at my words, but I couldn't stop talking. If I didn't get this out, I never would. And I owed myself this moment. I owed myself being able to speak the words out loud. And he would have to hear me. Even if it was only one fucking time.

"I've lived my whole life on the periphery of who you are. Drawn to you…_in love with you_. And I thought what we had could be enough. But it's not. I wanted you to love me, but you never did. And I've wasted my whole life waiting…wanting something you were _never_ going to give me. And that's my fault. Not yours."

I looked at him, as his hands dropped from my shoulders. I waited for him to say something…anything. To tell me he felt the same way. That he loved me at all. But he didn't. Instead, his eyes dropped to the ground, and his body shook as he cried silently.

I never wanted to make him cry.

I never wanted to hurt him.

He was my Edward.

And that's when I knew I had to walk away.

Because I loved him so much that I would stay. I would stay and try to make it better. I would stay – and in the end – my loving him enough to stay would destroy us both.

I turned around slowly, and headed back to the house. My body was numb from the cold…from our words. But I embraced it…needed it. Anything to dull the pain of what I'd just lost. What I never really had to begin with.

"Bella," he called my name behind me.

I stopped out of habit, knowing that there would always be a part of me that would want to go to him. To give him everything I had. But I didn't have anything left to give him. He'd taken it all.

"Please," he said. "Please don't walk away."

"I have to," I told him sadly. "It's too late for anything else."

.

.

.

**A/N **

**(Shortest Ever due to real life swoony date that kept me out late last night.)**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for all of the love and support. I adore and appreciate you all. **

**I love Marvar more than anything in the world, and she's so pretty.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…thank you. And I love you, too!**

**See you in the morning!**


	11. Chapter 11

Once I was inside the house, I ran upstairs, wanting to lock myself away from everything that had just happened. Emmett was waiting at the top of the stairs, and I practically ran into him.

"Bella," he said, grabbing my arms, and holding me up. "Slow down."

I looked up at him, and I could tell by the way he was looking at me, that he knew. That he'd probably heard everything that just happened. Or maybe he already knew. Maybe they all knew, just like Alice.

"I…I can't," I said, stupid tears falling down my cheeks. "I just…I can't right now."

I pulled away from him and went into my room, locking the door behind me. Seconds later, I heard loud footsteps outside the door. And then I heard Edward's voice.

"Bella." He twisted the knob, and then knocked on the door. "Bella, let me in. Please."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't face him. Especially not when Emmett was standing right outside in the hall.

"Edward," Emmett's voice said. The knocking immediately stopped. "I think you should leave her alone right now, man."

"This doesn't have anything to do with you," Edward said. "This is between her and me."

"Well, since you're waking up the entire house," Emmett said, "you've involved all of us. Edward, I understand you're…upset."

"You don't understand _anything_."

"I understand that she's in her room with the fucking door locked. She doesn't want to talk to you right now. I think you need to give her some space."

"I need to talk to her."

"Back the fuck off, Edward."

Emmett's voice was loud. And now they were fighting. They were brothers, and they were fighting because of me. This was all my fault. I couldn't listen to it any more. I grabbed my purse and keys, and opened the door.

Edward stood there looking at me. I met his wounded eyes, but only for just a second.

"Please don't fight," I whispered. "I'm just…I'm just gonna go out for a while. I need some space…some time to think."

"Bella, please," Edward said, reaching for my arm. "Let me come with you."

And I wanted him to come. But not as much as I'd wanted him to say something to me before now. So I told him, "No."

I pulled my arm back and turned to walk away. I had to get out of there, or I was going to break down again.

"Bella," he choked out my name.

His voice sounded pained and shattered. It took everything I had not to just give in – to just turn around and give him what he wanted. But wasn't that what I'd always done?

"I said back the fuck off," Emmett told him. "I think both of you need some time apart. I'll go with her."

I stopped in my tracks, turning around. A silent moment passed between them. I couldn't see their eyes, but Edward immediately backed away. His shoulders hunched over, and he turned around, walked to his room, and slammed the door. I jumped at the sound.

Everything was ruined…broken.

And I knew that nothing would ever be the same for us again.

.

.

.

"Where are we going?" Emmett asked, once we were in the car.

"I don't know," I sighed, looking back at the house. "Maybe we should just go back in."

"No can do, Bells," he said, grinning. And for the first time all morning, I smiled. "I don't know about you, but I could use a drink."

"It's not even nine in the morning," I said.

"And?" he said, turning the key in the ignition. "We're on vacation, right?"

"Is that what this is?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well," he said pulling the car out of the driveway and onto the road. "I'm not working today…and neither are you. So, that sounds like vacation to me."

It was a little after ten when we walked into a small bar in town. Emmett assured me this place would be open. And he was right. Of course, besides the bartender, we were the only people there. Emmett led me to the bar, and we both sat down on two stools.

"Good morning, Waylon," Emmett said.

"Good morning, Emmett," the older man offered.

"You know him?" I asked. "You've been here before?"

"Well, we might have been here a few times over the years," he said, smiling. "But I gotta tell you, Bells. I don't think I've ever needed a drink more than I need one right now. And I'm pretty sure I could say the same thing about you."

"I think I had enough to drink last night," I told him.

"Waylon," he said, getting the man's attention. "What are the chances we could get some coffee with Bailey's? Or maybe some Irish whiskey?"

"I think I could handle that," he said.

We sat there for a while, not really saying anything. And Emmett was really good about not pressuring me. When the silence became too much for me to bear, I finally spoke up.

"You should be with him right now. He's your brother."

"Yeah?" he said. "And? You're my little sister."

"You know what I mean," I told him.

"I know that you need someone right now, too," he said. "And I know that there was no way you were going to stay at the house….well, after everything that happened. And you _are_ my sister, Bella. Just as much as Edward is my brother."

There was so much sincerity in his voice, it almost made me cry again.

"You've always been too good to me," I told him. "And now I'm ruining everyone's Christmas."

Waylon came back and gave us our cups of coffee. They were black, and my stomach rolled at the thought of drinking whiskey again. Irish or otherwise.

"It's not Christmas yet," he said, taking a drink of his coffee. "And you haven't ruined anything. Except for maybe your own appetite. You know what's good for a hangover?"

"Not drinking enough to have one in the first place?" I said.

"Nope," he said, motioning to my cup of coffee. "Hair of the dog. Now, don't make me drink alone."

I smiled at him, and picked up my cup. I swallowed a big gulp of coffee and whiskey. It burned both ways, and I closed my eyes and let the warmth start to settle in.

"See?" he said. "You feel better already, don't you?"

"Yeah," I told him. "I do."

We sat there for a while, both of us drinking. My cup was almost empty, when he finally said something else.

"When are you gonna admit that you're in love with him?"

I took the last drink, and pushed the mug across the bar.

"Didn't I already do that this morning?" I asked. "It feels like every conversation I've had today has centered around the fact that I'm in love with Edward."

Emmett wrapped his big arm around the back of my stool, his hand gripping my arm.

"When were you going to admit it to me?" he asked. I looked up at him, my eyes blurry with tears. He looked uncomfortable for a moment, but then he smiled and said, "I think we need some more drinks."

Waylon came back over and Emmett told him to forget the coffee and leave the bottle. Before I knew what was happening, there was a shot glass full of whiskey in front of me. And him. Without saying a word, I picked up the glass, and I shot it.

"I guess I'm admitting it now," I said. "This is going to make shit really uncomfortable, isn't?" I didn't wait for a response. I didn't need to. I already knew the answer. "I love him…and it sucks. And it sucks because I'm stupid, and he's never going to love me back."

"Hold up," Emmett said. "I'll be the first person to admit that Edward's been a jackass. I don't know everything that's gone down between the two of you, but I know one thing. My little brother has loved you for as long as you've been around."

"Bullshit," I spat.

No really. I actually spat. I'm pretty sure I sprayed saliva and whiskey all over his arm.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I don't know exactly what you know about us now," I said, cringing at the thought that everyone knew how we'd been sneaking around. As if knowing and keeping it to myself wasn't pathetic enough on its own. "But when we were kids, he definitely didn't love me. Well, not like that anyway. He wouldn't even really talk to me."

"How did this…" he started, "I mean, when did this…how did this happen?"

I poured another shot from the bottle that Waylon left us. And then I took swallowed it back, wincing at the burn. Not only was I pathetic, but I was also going to be drunk before noon. And not to let me suffer alone, Emmett poured himself another shot as well.

"It just happened," I said, looking at my hands instead of him. "Please don't make me go into it right now, Emmett. I honestly don't think that I can. I'm humiliated enough. Plus, do you really want to talk about your little sister having…sex?"

He turned on his stool to face me. His big brown eyes were like mine. So much so, that if people didn't know us, they would think we were actually related. And they were liquid like the whiskey…soft like his big heart. I gulped, squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to cry again.

"I'm gonna tell you something Isabella Marie Swan," he said seriously. "And I want you to listen to me very carefully."

"Okay," I nodded, unsure of what he was about to say. And a little nervous.

""Do you remember when we were kids? That year that Carlisle came to the home for the first time?"

I nodded my head.

"Of course I remember that," I told him. "I was so scared we were going to lose you. Both of you. And then you went and…well, you know what you did," I paused, feeling an overwhelming urge to just wrap my arms around him – to tell him thank you one more time for not just leaving us there. But I was already an emotional wreck. I didn't want to make this any more awkward and uncomfortable than it already was. "That was when I knew how much you really loved all of us. I mean, I knew it before, but I'd always assumed that you loved Rose and Edward more. Because well…you know."

"That's the thing, Bella," he said. "I wasn't the one who did that. I mean I would have…don't get me wrong. There was no way I would have ever left you guys there. But it wasn't me who convinced the good doctor to take all of us." He looked at me for a long time. Well, it felt like a long time, but it was probably only a couple of seconds. "It was Edward."

"Edward?"

My mind reeled at the information. I'd spent my whole life thinking it was Emmett who saved us. I thought it was him who asked for us to come, too. He was the one who wouldn't leave us in that awful place alone. He was always the one who protected us…protected me.

"Yes," he said. "And he asked me to tell you guys that it was me. I never really questioned him on his motives, because to me, they were always pretty clear. "

Tears were in my eyes. I couldn't help it.

"Why?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"This is really a question you should be asking him," he said softly. "Bella, I don't know what's actually happened between the two of you. I mean, we've all had our suspicions. But nothing was ever solid until…well, until this morning."

"I'm so ashamed," I admitted through my tears.

"I know my brother can be…difficult," he started. "He's a quiet, broody motherfucker. But it used to be worse. Before you, he never really spoke. Not at all."

"He never said more than two words to me the entire first year that he knew me," I said. "And not much more than that all the years after."

Emmett laughed. It was loud and it filled the small space of the dark and dingy bar. I didn't know what was particularly funny about any of this. Everything seemed hopeless and beyond repair. I was hurting. Edward was hurting. And Emmett just sat there…laughing.

"Something changed in him after we met you," he said. "And I'm not gonna sit here and tell you what he should be man enough to tell you himself. But Bella…you have to give him a chance. You have to let him open up to you."

"He doesn't want to open up to me," I cried. "He only wants…"

I stopped. I couldn't say that to Emmett. I could barely admit it to myself.

"He wants _you_, Bella," he said. "He always has. And I don't know why – he doesn't tell me anything. Like I said…quiet, broody motherfucker. But the only thing I can figure is that he feels like he doesn't deserve you. But you deserved to know the truth. And maybe I shouldn't have told you what happened all those years ago. But I thought you needed to know. It was Edward, Bella. He was the one who told Carlisle and Esme that the rest of you had to come, too. It was him. Not me."

"Oh, Emmett."

My entire body trembled as I took in his words. I still couldn't completely believe them, but I didn't think Emmett was lying. Not about that.

"Now, don't think this means I don't love you as much as before," he said. "I've always loved you. Bella. You're my family. And we miss you. All of us. We all miss you in our lives."

I launched myself at him, almost knocking him off his stool. And my big brother held me while I cried myself out.

Several moments later, he asked, "What are you thinking?"

And without another thought or question, I told him, "I think we need to go home."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**I know it's been hard, but this is the story I wanted to tell. I appreciate every single thought. Even the ones who don't love the characters and the story right now. Thank you for reading. I love and appreciate each one of you.**

**Marvar, I love you. You make me smile. You make me laugh. And you make me think about my words. Thank you for being the remarkable and beautiful woman that you are. Thank you for making my words better. And thank you for being my bestie.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…you girls are beyond amazing. Thank you for your feedback, but mostly, thank you for your friendship. ILY all.**

**See you in the morning!**


	12. Chapter 12

When we got back to the house, my mind was still spinning from everything Emmett told me. I wasn't quite ready to go inside, so Emmett left me alone in the car. I sat there until I was cold – so cold that I would have had to turn the heat on to stay any longer. Picking up my purse, and the little courage I had left, I got out of the car and headed inside.

There were voices in the kitchen. I could hear them as they carried through the house. None of them were Edward. Sighing, I headed up the stairs and back to my room. I was willing to talk to him – to listen – but he would have to come to me this time. I couldn't go to him again.

Cold and numb, I stripped out of my clothes and headed for the shower. I stood under the hot water for a long time. I allowed the heat and pressure of the water to relax my tense and tired muscles.

And I cried.

I cried for the time I'd wasted. I cried for never being able to stand up for myself – to ask for more than I thought I deserved. I cried for the guilt I'd always felt for loving him the way I did. I cried for the times we'd spent in each other's arms – loving each other with our bodies – and never once with our words. I cried for the sad, lonely life I'd lived without my family, knowing it had been my own choice, and I had no one else to blame. Not even Edward. And then I cried for Jacob. I would never love him the way he deserved, and I needed to admit that to him…almost as much as I needed to admit it to myself.

I stood in front of the steam-covered mirror, wiping away the sheen. I looked at my face and body – the pale, pink skin, the tiny lines around my eyes, the full lips that were dry and cracked with dehydration. I wasn't a young woman anymore. But standing there looking, I admitted to myself for the first time, that I was someone sort of beautiful. And I wondered if he saw that when he looked at me, too.

I wrapped myself in a robe and walked back into the bedroom. And when I lifted my eyes, I saw him standing at the foot of my bed.

Still quiet.

Still broken.

But still completely breathtaking.

I stood there…silent…watching. I didn't speak. I was still resolved that it was his turn to speak. He knew all my secrets…every single one of my confessions. I didn't have any more words to give him. I was there to listen. And so, I waited.

"You blush when you're embarrassed," he rasped, his voice rough and cracked. "Even more when you're angry. And most of all when you're aroused."

I wrapped the robe around my body tighter, my body responding to his words the way it always did. This couldn't be about sex. Because it always had been.

"But right now your flush is different," he continued. "Now it's warm and damp…and all over."

I didn't know what he was trying to do. What response he was hoping to get.

"Your face is pink…red even," he said. "But it's not from the hot water."

He looked down to the floor. And I stood there watching…holding my breath. And then, he looked up – his eyes pleading and contrite.

"I'm sorry I made you cry," he finally whispered. "I never wanted…I never _want_ to make you cry."

I wanted to reassure him – to tell him that he wasn't the only one to blame for my tears. But I still couldn't speak. If he asked me a question, I would answer. I could do that. So, forcing back my words, I gripped the robe tighter. And I waited.

"The first time I saw you," he pressed on, "you were sitting on a plastic orange chair in the hallway outside the office at the home. You were clutching a backpack like it was the only thing you owned." He took a deep, shaking breath…and then he smiled sadly. "Later I found out that it was."

I felt the tears brimming in my already swollen and burning eyes. I remembered that moment. There are some things that you just can't forget. But I didn't remember him being there. I didn't meet Edward until after that awful night in the hallway, when Emmett had to save me.

"You were scared," he continued. "I could see it on your face. And I knew what that felt like. I'd been where you were. I'd sat in the same seat. Only Emmett sat next to me when I was scared…and you were alone."

He offered me another smile. It was still sad, and there were tears in his eyes, too.

"I wanted to come and sit next to you then, but I knew I wouldn't be allowed. Plus, I didn't know if you would be even more scared of someone you didn't know. Especially a boy. So, I stood off to the side…and I watched you."

"You watched me?" I spoke without thinking.

He nodded his head.

"Umm…yeah…" he said. "I watched you until they came out to take you to your room. And then I followed you, so I could see where they were taking you."

"Why?"

He shook his head and looked away. He walked over to the window, pushing back the lace curtain and looking outside. I wanted to follow behind him – to stand at his side and see what he was looking at. But I didn't think I could be that close to him without wanting to touch. Without wanting to offer him the comfort I had to give…or take the comfort I knew he could give me in return.

"Because I wanted to make sure that you would be okay," he said softly. "And…and I wanted to know where you were going to be."

"You didn't even know me," I said, giving up all pretenses that I wasn't going to talk.

"No," he said. "I didn't."

He stepped away from the window and walked back over beside the bed. He looked at me – almost like he was asking permission to sit down. I nodded my head, but when he sat down, I walked over to the window where he was just standing. I looked out the window, and that was when I saw the footprints.

Our footprints.

We existed. Both of us together.

Everything that had been said and not said between us all rushed back to me. I wanted to be patient. I wanted to trust in what Emmett had revealed to me at the bar. But I couldn't help but feel hurt by the memory.

"Why are you telling me all this?" I asked, turning back around to look at him. "Why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because I need you to know."

I took a shaking breath, and I swallowed thickly as I looked at him.

"What?"

"The truth."

I looked at him – everything about him reading one word. Vulnerable. And I understood that emotion. I was so completely in touch with that emotion because it was all I ever felt when I was in his presence. He made me vulnerable. The way I felt for him made me vulnerable. So, to see him like that took my breath away.

"The truth," I repeated, dropping my hands and wringing them in front of me.

I wasn't really sure what I should do. A part of me wanted to go to him – to sit with him while he talked to me. But I didn't know how close I could be to him without touching him. And even from across the room, I wanted to touch him.

I could tell he was nervous, just as much as I was. And the expression on his face was contemplative, but I didn't know what he was thinking.

"Will you sit with me?" he finally asked.

"I don't know," I said, my nose scrunching up, as I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth. My lips were still dry, so I licked them. "I don't know if…if I should. If that would be a good idea."

He seemed to think about my words, understanding maybe. But his green eyes looked back up to mine, pleading.

"Please just sit with me, Bella," he said. "I promise…I promise not to make you uncomfortable. I won't do anything that you don't want."

"My wanting it was never the problem," I said.

It wasn't until the words were out, and I saw the injured expression on his face, that I regretted my words. They were harsh, but they were true. And after eight years of this, as much as it killed me to think about hurting him, I couldn't apologize for telling him the truth. Not anymore.

"I know I've hurt you," he said lowly. "I've known. And maybe I didn't realize just how much until today…until this morning. But I'm here now. I'm not going to run away. I want to talk about this…what's happening between us. And I just can't sit here while you stand. Please, Bella. Just sit with me."

"Okay."

I walked over and sat down at the head of the bed. He was on the foot, so I figured there was enough space between us to make both of us comfortable. I looked at him and smiled. It was reflexive – coming from that place inside me that always wanted him to be happy. To be happy with me. And he seemed surprised by my gesture, blushing. Edward never blushed. And then he smiled back.

There was a long moment of silence that settled between us. Edward looked down, his fingers traced the design of the quilt. And I watched him closely. I wanted to see his eyes – wanted to know what he was thinking. But as I watched his fingers, I saw that they were shaking.

He was nervous.

And maybe for the first time as long as I'd known him, he didn't seem otherworldly and untouchable. He was like me…just like me.

"I know I should have said something this morning," he said, still tracing patterns and not meeting my eyes. "But you…you said so much. And I was just trying to process it all."

He looked up at me, and I could see the truth of his words reflected in his eyes.

"Everything with you has always been so…so unexpected," he continued. "Not everything. Not all of it. But there has never been a middle ground. It's always been all or nothing."

I didn't know what he meant by his words. And I turned them over and over again in my mind, just trying to figure them out. When I couldn't, I decided to just let him continue.

"Some of the things you said this morning…" he trailed off, looking back down. "I need to ask you about some of the things you said."

I winced, thinking about all the things that had come from my mouth while I was outside with him…angry and hurt and cold. I'd pretty much said everything, revealed every secret. I didn't know what was left to tell him. I didn't have anything else to hide. He knew everything.

And yet, I sat there, still searching for answers…still waiting for him to reciprocate with his words. Even if they weren't the same words. Even is his truth wasn't the same truth. Once again, my mind drifted to what Emmett said. He said that Edward loved me. And while I didn't necessarily know if I believed that to be true, I needed to know one way or another. I would never be able to move forward.

I had to accept the possibility that what Edward had to say to me might not be what I hoped for. But even then, I still clung to the hope that he really could possibly love me. The way that I loved him. And if he needed more answers from me in order to finally tell me the truth…I would give them to him.

"What do you want to know?" I whispered.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**I still have no words for the response to this story. This fandom astounds me every single day. I love you all for taking the time to read my words. **

**Marvar made me the happiest girl in the world yesterday. And she knows why. Thank you for everything. I couldn't do this without you. I love you.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…you girls mean the world to me in a million different ways. ILY all like whoa. **

**See you in the morning! **


	13. Chapter 13

I waited for his first question.

He paused, looking at me, waiting to ask it.

"You said something this morning that I can't stop thinking about," he began. "About…about your body."

He was being vague. And I wanted to press him further. I wracked my mind, trying to remember what he was talking about. The way he'd said "body" was pointed, but I didn't know what he was trying to imply.

"What?" I finally asked, my impatience and nerves getting the best of me. "What did I say?"

"You said that," he paused, making me nervous. I just wanted to rip the words from his mouth. "You said that I was the…the only one…who'd ever been inside you. Your body."

I blushed as his words registered. I didn't remember saying those words, though obviously I had. And my first instinct was to be embarrassed – to be ashamed of the way he'd completely owned me all this time. Especially when I knew I hadn't owned him.

"It's true," I admitted, looking down. Suddenly, I felt the need to cover myself more. Like the robe wasn't enough. I felt exposed…and he was still hiding. "I don't know what you want me to say. It's true, all right. It's only ever been you. After we…" The word 'fucked' was on my tongue, but I just couldn't say it. "After we…were together…like that," I said, looking up at him. "For me, there just couldn't be anyone else."

I started to cry, hating myself for being weak. Hating myself more for being ashamed.

"Please don't cry," he whispered.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I can't help it."

"But it's been so long, Bella." His voice was sad, but the words sounded judgmental. "How is it even possible that you haven't been with anyone else?"

"I don't know what you expect from me, Edward," I snapped, stopping myself. Fighting wasn't going to get us anywhere. We were no closer to a resolution than we were an hour ago. "It's possible because it's the truth. Do you think I didn't _want_ to be with someone else? Do you think I didn't _try_? I've tried. But I just couldn't. I can't. I would close my eyes, and you would be there. Your hands…your mouth…your…" I stopped, unable to say the word. "You. You were the only person I wanted. And this isn't fair. _None of this is fair!_ This was supposed to be _your_ turn to talk. Your turn to tell me what _you're_ feeling. You already know how I feel…how I've _always_ felt. But here I am again, telling you that you're the only one. When you're still giving me nothing."

I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. This wasn't supposed to be how this went.

"Oh, god," he said, moving closer. He tried to pull me into his arms, but I pushed him back. I couldn't let him touch me. Because I would give in. Just like I always had. "Please don't cry. Please. I just…I'm sorry. I just didn't know. I never imagined that you'd never been with anyone else."

"Would it make it better if I had?" I asked, looking at him. "Do you think you would feel better to know that other men have kissed me and touched me and fucked me? Because I promise you, Edward Masen. It doesn't feel better to know that you've done that with anyone else."

He winced, recoiled.

"Don't you know?" he asked. "Don't you understand?"

"I don't understand anything," I cried. "You've given me nothing to understand."

He reached out and took my face in both of his hands, forcing me to look him in the eye. His mouth was open, his breathing labored. And my heart beat so furiously it was making me dizzy.

"I was trying to forget you," he said, loudly.

"Why?" I asked, my voice breaking.

His eyes went from hard emeralds to deep green pools in that moment. Liquid and moving.

"Because you deserve something better."

"Don't _you_ know?" I asked. "Nothing has ever been better than you."

His thumbs wiped the tears on my cheeks, and I had to fight the urge to lean in and kiss him. He was so close – too close. And everything was bubbled up and over and falling all around us.

"I wish," he spoke quietly. "I wish I could go back and do things differently."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He brushed my cheeks once more, before dragging them across my lips. He released me then, moving back just a bit, but still close enough that our legs were still touching.

"I got drunk that night…watching you," he said. "I was always watching you. I'd never been able to tell you how I felt."

I wanted to ask him how he felt. How long had he felt anything at all? But I sat there – listening – hoping I was finally going to get the answers I'd been waiting for.

"You were so beautiful," he continued. "I mean, you'd always been beautiful. But you were grown up…a woman. In college and away from all of us. And I felt like I didn't know anything about you. Who you were becoming. What your days and nights were like. And you were so quiet. Always off to the side. Even when we were kids, it was like you...I don't know...like you were scared of me or something."

"You always made me nervous," I said. "And I guess I was afraid. Not of you so much. Just that you never really wanted me around. You never talked to me. You always kept to yourself, too. And I never really knew what you were thinking. I thought you didn't like me very much. I thought you tolerated me because of Emmett and the others."

My words seemed to surprise him, and I watched as he took them in, but he continued talking.

"Everyone was drinking that night. And Alice and Jasper were together by then. Usually you were with her, but not then. And I wanted you to talk to me. I mean, I wanted to talk to you. And everyone was drinking, but you weren't. You just sat off to the side watching. Occasionally I would see you giggle. Laughing at something Emmett said, and joining in. It wasn't until everyone fell asleep that I finally worked up enough courage to even ask you to sit with me. Everything was pretty blurry after that. But I remember," he took my hands in his as he spoke. "I remember that you came. You just came right over...like you wanted to be there. With me."

My heart was pounding. My mouth was dry. I couldn't help but think that this was the moment I was waiting for. And if he was going to be honest with me, I could give him a little more. Everything I had was already his anyway.

"I always wanted to be with you," l whispered. "I just didn't know you wanted to be with me."

I watched him as he swallowed loudly. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. He lifted one hand to touch my cheek, and I leaned into his touch - wanting it. Craving it.

"Bella, I've loved you for as long as I've known you," he told me, his voice breaking. My heart crashed inside my chest the moment he said the word. And I started crying again because I couldn't help it. He loved me. The weight of his words washed over me. All the needing and longing I'd felt for him through the years seemed worth it. Just for that single moment – just to hear him say the words. Like the words were so important. Something even more tangible than the feeling of him inside me. "I just didn't know you felt the same way. If I had known...if I'd had any idea..."

He stopped talking, his eyes growing darker. His face became more serious. And I couldn't understand it. Why his mood would shift so suddenly. Not when he loved me. Not when he knew I loved him. too. Just knowing that it was true made me feel like anything was possible. Like we could work through this, but something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. He was darker now...contemplative.

"What?" I asked.

"You were the object of every daydream," he said. "The only vision I saw at night when I was in bed. My entire adolescence and adulthood...you were everything I ever wanted. Being with you..._sexually_," he whispered the word low and rough. "I'd never wanted anything more."

My body trembled as he spoke. And I cried harder - not because I was hurting - but because knowing Edward loved me was the most amazing thing I could imagine.

"Please don't cry," he said, which was ridiculous since he was crying, too. "Fuck. All I ever do is hurt you. It was the same that night, Bella. I fucking hurt you. I was with you...inside of you. Your beautiful body. And I can't even fucking remember."

He leaned in, kissing my cheeks, my forehead. His kisses were urgent...frantic. And he was whispering how sorry he was over and over again.

"I'd wanted you for so long," he said. "And you gave me that. You gave me everything. And god...it was your first time. I didn't know you were a virgin. I mean, I just assumed that you would have...that there would have been someone else. It killed me to think about it, but I never expected…"

"There wasn't," I told him. "It was only you. I never wanted anything else."

"But I couldn't remember," he said, his voice louder than before. "I was horrified when I woke up the next morning. Because you were naked in my arms...you were letting me fucking touch you...hold you...and I couldn't remember anything."

He pulled away from me, burying his head in his hands while his fingers gripped his hair. And I was trying to wrap my mind around everything that he was saying…everything he'd just confessed. I tried to stop him – to comfort him and tell him that I'd wanted it. I'd wanted all of it. But he spoke again.

"And then I saw...I saw your blood," he said, reaching out and touching me again – my face…my neck and shoulders. "And it killed me, Bella. I wanted to die when I saw what I'd done. What I took from you…what you _gave_ me. And I spoke without thinking. I was just so angry with myself. Never you. It was _never_ you. And I know you thought I was angry with you. The way you looked at me…I'll…I'll never be able to forget that. And I know that I hurt you."

"But I wanted it," I told him, covering his hands with mine. "I knew you were drunk, and I wanted you anyway. I thought it would be the only time. I thought that I could be with you," I laughed bitterly, my words revealing just how pathetic I actually was. "I thought that I could just have that one night, and it could be enough. That I could, just for that moment, pretend that you loved me and wanted me the same way."

His eyes were sad as I finished talking. He looked wounded. And I held onto his hands tighter, afraid that he would let me go.

"But don't you understand that only makes it worse?" he said. "The fact that you…loved me. Especially when I'd loved you for so long. And I fucked it all up. I would have made it so much better. I wouldn't have hurt you…I would have remembered. I've always hated myself for taking you like that. Hated myself for not being the man that you deserved. And you let me come to you again. Night after night. Year after year. You let me be with you after I hurt you like that. And I could never understand it…it never made sense to me."

"I thought it was all you wanted," I cried softly, my heart breaking. "And I was…I was willing to take whatever you would give me."

There were no secrets anymore – there was nothing I could say that wasn't already out there. But I was so willing to tell him everything if it meant we could move on from here. There was no pride left inside me. No dignity or self-respect. Because I knew that if we didn't finish this – if we didn't lay it all out on the line right then – we would walk away from each other. And I would lose him forever.

And maybe that made me weak, but as I looked at him…I understood everything so completely. I had loved Edward forever. I'd given him my heart so long ago. The way I loved him wasn't based on him being the right thing…the healthy thing. It was the _only_ thing. _He_ was the only thing.

"I would have given you _everything_," he said.

One of his hands slipped down, and he placed it on my chest right over my heart. But there was still something so defeated in his eyes…some pain I couldn't try to understand. And it scared me. What if it was too late? What if we had pushed each other too far? What if we could never get past this?

"I'm here," I whispered, almost afraid to say the words. But I was more afraid of losing him. "I'm _still_ here, Edward. And so are you. After everything we've done to fuck this up…we're _both_ still here. Why can't you give me everything now?"

I looked at him, waiting for his answer – but his words would never come.

His arms wrapped around my body, pulling me hard against him. And with a pained and strangled groan, he crushed his lips against mine.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**To everyone reading this story… Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.**

**And by the way…thank you.**

**Marvar…thanks will never be enough. But I do love you more than Edward loves Bella, so there's that. **

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…ILY guys more than Bella loves Edward's cock. I can imagine that she loves it infinitely.**

**See you in the morning!**


	14. Chapter 14

Intense.

Desperate.

Everything about the way Edward was kissing me was intense and desperate. His lips moved roughly over mine. His tongue forced its way inside my mouth. He groaned loudly as I opened to him, and I held onto him as I gave myself over to what he needed.

But in the back of my mind, his words repeated over and over.

"_I would have given you everything."_

I couldn't stop thinking about it…even as he kissed me. And the fact that he'd spoken in the past tense scared me. It was the "would have" that made me uneasy. And even though he was holding…kissing me…touching me, I couldn't seem to shake the fact that his actions didn't mirror his words. And because of that, I had to pull back.

I pulled away, his teeth grazing my lips as he whimpered, not wanting me to end the kiss. His eyes met mine, and he kissed me again – this time softer. But it was still too much. I needed to know we were in the same place. And I just didn't.

"Stop," I told him, as he tried to kiss me again.

"Please," he said. "Please, Bella…"

"Please, what, Edward?" I asked. "What do you want?"

He buried his face in my neck. I could feel his breath, warm and wet, against my skin.

"You," he murmured. "I want you. I've always wanted you."

And he felt so good against me. His whispered words so easy to get lost in. But wanting me had never been the problem. Not in this room…on this bed. And that was the real problem. Both of us were always wanting…but never speaking.

"But _how_ do you want me?" I asked. "Is it just like this? Just the same as it's always been? Or is it more? Because _this_," I said, pushing my hand between my chest and his, "_this _has never been the issue. I've _always_ wanted you. And even though I never really knew what you were thinking or how you really felt, I always knew you wanted me, too. But I can't _do_ this anymore, Edward. I just…I can't. I deserve _more_ than this from you. I deserve more than this for _myself_."

"I just…I can't believe you that you loved me," he said. "That you loved me still…even after…"

"After what?" I asked.

"After I…after we…" he sighed loudly, running his hand roughly through his hair. "I wish I'd known how you felt. I should have told you so long ago. I should have told you…"

His words stung, but they were true. I slowly reached my hand out and placed it on his leg, rubbing him softly.

"There are so many things we both should have done differently," I told him. "But we can't go back and change them. It's done."

"Last night you asked me why I couldn't stay away," he said, looking at me. His voice was quiet and serious. "I gave you the only answer I could then. But I'd really like to tell you why now."

I could feel my face flush at his words – could hear the rapid beating of my heart.

"Okay," I whispered.

"When I came to you the first night…the night after we were together," he said, placing his hand over mine on his leg. "I was devastated, Bella. And then when I touched you, I could tell that you were hurting. It broke me. It still fucking breaks me."

I started to tell him that it didn't matter, but he cut me off before I could even get the first word out.

"No…please. Just…just let me say this."

I nodded my head, biting down on my lip.

"Touching you that night…tasting you…" His voice was low, rough. "And the fact that you still let me. That you wanted me…you were aroused. You were wet…for me. I'd never wanted anything more. No other…no one else was ever as good as you were. No one ever came close. It was different with you. I wanted to make you feel better. But even more than that…I wanted you to feel good. I wanted to be the one to make you feel good."

"You did," I sad.

"I was so weak," he whispered. "I wasn't strong enough to stay away. I tried to stay in my bed the next night. I tried…but all I could think about was you. I could hear your voice in my mind. I could still taste you…all sweet and soft and perfect. And I couldn't stop myself from coming back. I was sure you'd push me away. I was sure that you _hated_ me."

_I didn't._

_I couldn't._

"But I came back to you that night," he continued. "I came into your room…and you…_fuck_, you just reached for me. You opened your arms and your body…and you let me touch you again. You let me take you again." He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. I let him. I had to. He pulled back and looked into my eyes, and I sat there, holding my breath, and hanging on his words. "That was the first night I made love to you, Bella. But I need you to know…you have to fucking know…that I have never once fucked you. Every time I was with you was more. For me, it was _always_ more."

I couldn't help the tears. I was certain that they would dry up at some point. But his words were too much. And I needed to hear them. It had always been about love for me when I was with him. And just knowing it was the same for him opened up something inside me I just couldn't repress.

"What about now?" I asked. "What does all of this mean for us now? You keep talking about your feelings in the past tense, Edward. And that scares me. It scares me because I can't afford to hope anymore. I can't put myself out there again if you're…if you're not going to come with me."

"How can you forgive me?" he asked. "How can you still want to be with me after everything I've done?"

"Because," I said simply.

I couldn't tell him I loved him again. I couldn't bring myself to say the words until he said them. Until he meant them.

"Because you love me," he said, kissing me again, touching my face, my hair…everywhere. "I don't deserve it, but Bella…you have to know I love you, too. I'm so in love with you." He was speaking against my lips. And I closed my eyes – overwhelmed by everything he was saying and everything I was feeling. "And I'm sorry I fucked this up for so long. I'm sorry I never told you. I hated myself for hurting you. But I want to make this better. I want to make this right. I want to love you…to be with you…the right way if you'll let me. Please, tell me I'm not too late."

It's a funny thing – so hard to describe – when everything you've ever dreamed of becomes a reality. I was seeing him, listening to his words, but not really hearing them. And then suddenly, it all clicked. Everything registered and settled around me.

We'd wasted so much time – both of us. We were entirely culpable together. We could place blame on each other, on ourselves. And we had, but that would never really get us anywhere. I could punish him, push him away, but that would be punishing me, too. And looking at him, I knew I had to make a choice, but the truth was that I'd made my choice so long ago. I'd been in love with Edward since I knew what romantic love was. He was my first crush. He was my first and only everything.

And there would never be anyone else for me, but him.

"You're not," I whispered, crying, and crawling into his lap. He took me in his arms, and we held onto one another as we cried. "You aren't."

"Tell me," he said. "I need to hear you say it again."

"I love you."

"Again," he said, rocking me, touching me.

"Edward," I breathed, pressing a kiss against his neck. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

I opened my mouth, sucking his skin, biting him gently. I felt frantic…needy. Like I couldn't get close enough. I couldn't stop crying – the emotion too perfect, to beautiful to be real. But it was. He was there with me. We were in the same place…finally. He was in love with me.

"I love you," he whispered again. "I want to… Bella, I want to make love to you. Right now…right here. I want to see you in the daylight. I want you to see me, to look in my eyes and know that you're the only one inside my heart. You always have been." His words were rushed together, urgent, like the way he was touching me. "I want to hold you and touch you and taste you. I want to be inside you right now, knowing that when it's over, I don't have to leave you again. You don't know how it killed me. Every single time…it fucking killed me to walk away."

I pulled back to look at him, his face blurry from my tears. But now I had the strength and courage to tell him what I needed. What I'd always fucking wanted. And I wasn't scared that he would deny me.

"Don't walk away from me ever again," I said, grabbing his face with both of my hands. "Because I swear to god, I won't be able to take it."

"I wouldn't," he said. "I can't."

I pressed my lips to his, pouring all the years that I'd loved him into the kiss. And for the first time…kissing him didn't hurt me. Kissing him didn't feel like I was sacrificing another piece of myself. I was giving myself to him, but I felt him giving himself to me in return.

And nothing – not anything I'd ever imagined – could have been as perfect as the reality of knowing that Edward loved me the same way I loved him.

"Then don't."

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you for reading. Thank you for every single comment, thought and review. You don't know how much I love and appreciate them all. And I read each and every one. Sometimes to my own detriment. I realize that I will never please everyone, but at the end of the day, I hope I can please myself. **

**I love these characters, not in spite of their many flaws, but ultimately because of them. This story wasn't easy to write. Because like most of you, I tend to romanticize Edward. I loved canon Edward. But the truth is: Edward wasn't perfect. He hated himself, he never felt worthy, and he allowed his own misguided self-loathing to deprive him of the one thing he loved and wanted most in the world. And he almost lost her because of it. This Edward isn't exactly like Canonward. But they are similar in many ways. Yes, Canonward never fucked anyone else, but he did leave Bella broken and sobbing and losing her goddamn mind in the woods. Both actions are pretty bad.**

**But the truth is I wanted to write a story with flawed characters. Because I am flawed. The people that I love are flawed, too. That's real. But when you can find hope and love within a flawed reality, I think that's beautiful. And I hope you find something beautiful in this story.**

**I love Marvar. And I am beyond thankful to have her in my life. Thank you for making my words better.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…ILY all, too. So much. **

**See you in the morning!**


	15. Chapter 15

Edward pressed me back onto the bed, and then he hovered over me before kissing me long and deep. Everything about his kiss was familiar, but everything about it was different. His tongue tasted sweet – wet and soft as he explored my mouth. And I kissed him back, whimpering and sucking…greedy and desperate to feel him inside everywhere else.

His hands found the tie of my robe, deftly freeing the loose knot, and pulling it open. And then, he looked at me – naked and wanting – my body exposed to him for the first time in the winter white of the sunlight. It was the first time he'd seen me like that. Nervousness filled me as his eyes took all of me in, and my hand instinctively moved to cover my breasts.

"You're beautiful," he whispered. "You've always been beautiful, Bella. Please…don't hide from me."

His green eyes were imploring before he lowered his head, and I touched his tousled bronze hair, as he pressed a kiss to my breast, and then licked a slow, wet trail across my collarbone. He pushed the robe back before gently biting down on my shoulder, and I couldn't help the moan that came from my mouth.

"Fuck," he whispered, coming back to my neck, licking and sucking and lapping at my skin.

His hands roamed, pressing and rubbing and touching me all over. He grabbed my hips, pulling me up closer to him. And I felt him, erect and pushing against me through the denim of his pants – the same way I felt my own body respond – liquid and hot and dripping for him.

His mouth came back to mine, licking my lips, and kissing me so much harder than before. He whispered words that ran together, making no sense, but still I understood.

He wanted me.

As much as I wanted him.

He loved me.

And it was too much to contain.

He pushed up, and leaned back, pulling me with him as he went. Our mouths were still connected, but he slowed down, pressing two soft kisses on my lips before stopping. He didn't speak, his eyes pleading, as he brought his hands up to the robe. And I nodded my head, as he pushed the cotton from my body.

"Perfect," he murmured, his hands reaching up and cupping my breasts. "Everything about you is perfect."

A shiver ran through me. Maybe it was from the chill of the air, but as his words played back in my mind, and I felt his hands against my skin…I knew that it was about him.

About us.

I reached across to him, my hands sliding under his sweater. And he released his hold on me, raising his hands and letting me push up and off. His chest was perfect, lean and muscular…beautiful. There was a light smattering of hair, and as I ran my fingers through it, I was reminded that he was a man now. All masculine and hard lines.

"You're perfect, too," I told him.

I blushed as he smiled at me, the blood rushing to my face and then coloring my body as it followed the trail of his hands where he reached back down to touch me.

With his eyes holding mine, he reached between my legs, two fingers slipping just inside my lips. He groaned as he felt me, how wet I was…and then he slowly spread me open.

"Lay back for me," he whispered.

I kissed him once, and then did what he asked. His fingers still stroked as he watched me with hooded eyes, and my hands gripped the cold quilt that covered the bed underneath me.

"Spread your legs wider," he said. I complied, gasping as I felt him push his middle finger all the way inside. "Oh, Bella."

He moved down, kissing the inside of my knee. I felt his breath, as hushed whispers fell from his lips along the naked skin of my thighs. And the whole time, he penetrated me…slowly fucking me with his finger.

"Tell me again," he rasped, his mouth so close to my pussy that every word was punctuated with his breath.

"I love you," I told him.

"God, Bella…I love you, too," he said, adding another finger inside. "But tell me I'm the only one. I still can't believe it…and I don't fucking deserve it. But tell me again that it's only ever been me inside you."

His eyes looked at me through wet lashes. I'd been so caught up in the way that he was touching me, I didn't notice his tears.

"It's only been you," I told him. "After…I couldn't…there was never anyone else."

The moment I said the words, it was like a weight was lifted from me. I had always been so ashamed that I was never able to move on. But in that moment, I wanted it to only be him.

"Only my fingers," he murmured, still pushing them inside.

"Only my mouth…my tongue," he said, his pink tongue slipping out and licking my clit.

I lost everything in my mind, the moment he licked me, penetrated me. Nothing else mattered, but the feeling of him touching me…kissing me. And he pressed harder – all lips and tongue and fingers.

Licking.

Sucking.

Tasting.

Fucking.

I was writhing underneath him. He was all moans and grunts and hot breath against my wet skin. He licked me and fucked me, his shoulders holding my legs open, as I fought the urge to clamp them together and keep him there forever. For as many times as he had done this, it had never been this intense. It had never been this good.

I could feel it building, entirely helpless to stop it. And when I came, I cried out his name, forgetting everything in the world but him and what he was doing to me.

The way he was making me feel.

The way he was loving my body with almost every part of his.

I continued to pulse and contract as he slowed and then stopped his fingers. I felt him pull them out, before his tongue lapped softly at my sensitive clit. And the limbs of my body fell lifelessly against the mattress all around him. Spent…but not done.

He covered me then, his mouth over mine, his arms holding his body just above me. The taste of the way I loved him – the way I'd come for him – filling me, as I kissed him and sucked on his tongue.

My hands pushed in between us, my fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans. I needed him naked – open and completely exposed like me. Ripping and pulling, I finally had him undone. I reached inside to find him hot and hard and throbbing in my hand.

"Tell me what you want," he said, moving his face to my neck, and panting in my ear.

And with a possessiveness I'd always felt, but never strong enough to voice, I looked in his eyes and finally said the words I'd always wanted to say.

"Everything," I breathed. "I want you to give me everything."

He whimpered at my words, and I squeezed him once, my fist slipping to his base. I didn't want to let him go. So, using my legs and feet, I pushed his boxers and pants the rest of the way down his legs.

I'd only ever wanted him, but I'd never wanted him more than I did right then. His perfect body was above me, his mouth was sucking my neck, and his naked skin grazed and covered every inch of my own.

I was surrounded by him.

I needed to be filled by him.

"How?" he asked, pulling back to look at me.

I held his eyes for a moment, before releasing his cock, and grabbing his shoulders with both hands. He pressed against me. I could feel his cock against my belly.

"Inside," I breathed. "I need you inside."

"Now?"

"Forever."

"I love you," he said, reaching between us, and taking himself in his hand. It was so close – we were so close. I could feel his heart pounding like mine. "I'm so in love with you."

"Oh, god, Edward." I felt the tip of his cock graze my lips. My body struggled with the need to spread my legs out further...or wrap them around him and pull him as close to me as possible. "I love you, too."

Then, with no more words, he pushed inside. I cried out as he filled me, but this time, he didn't cover my mouth to try to quiet me. This time, he groaned with me. And even though he felt the same – his body so familiar – everything about it felt different.

And it was.

His strokes were long and hard and deep, and I dug my nails into his flesh as I trembled underneath him. His lips formed the shape of my name; his voice an urgent whisper in my ear repeated over and over again.

"Bella, Bella, Bella…"

His thrusts became erratic and hard. His grip slipped from my waist to my hips, as he pushed me harder. It was like he couldn't get close enough…deep enough. And I could understand and feel it because I felt the exact same way.

"It's too much," he said, his breath hot and rough against my neck and chest. "So soft…and tight..and mine… Oh, god…I need you too much."

I reached my hands to his face, forcing him to look at me. His green eyes were blurry, but they focused on mine.

"I'm right here."

He pushed inside me again, I could feel his entire body tremble and shake above me. And I was almost there with him – on the verge and about to fall apart.

"I love you," he said, as I came apart around his cock. His body froze and arched as warm liquid emptied inside me. "Oh god…I fucking love you."

.

.

.

We were warm breath and exploring hands, as we snuggled under the weight of the blankets. He couldn't stop touching me, and for my part, I couldn't stop kissing him…everywhere.

"This is real," he murmured. "This is really real."

I didn't know what time it was – didn't know what our family must be thinking. We could face that the four of them after, but we needed the time and quiet together.

"Is it?" I asked, as he pulled me closer. "It feels like some sort of dream to me."

I pressed myself even closer against his naked body. His skin was soft and warm, his heart beating at a slow and steady pace.

"It is if you want it to be," he said softly.

"And what do you want?" I asked him hesitantly.

He cupped my face in his hands, his mouth seeking mine out. He kissed me tenderly…sweetly.

"I _want_ you," he said. "In my life…in my home…in my bed."

I snuggled into his chest, breathing him in. He held me tight, and I let him. I needed him just like this.

"I'm afraid we're going to fuck this up," I whispered.

He pulled back, forcing me to look at him. When I did, his eyes were soft and searching. He traced my lips with his fingers, and then he pulled me back into his arms. And in the quiet, closed in space around us, he whispered, "I won't let us."

And I believed him.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you for the love and support. Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for being the wonderful community of women that I absolutely love and adore. And special thanks to each one of you that voted for FitS for Fic of the Week on The Lemonade Stand. I am continuously humbled by you all.**

**Marvar is remarkable and beautiful. She makes me laugh often. She lets me cry when I need to. She commiserates with me when I'm eating peanut butter cups by eating turtles. And she makes everything I write better.**

**I have the most amazing group of women who pre-read my stories. And I couldn't love them any more or any harder if I tried. Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…thanks will never be enough.**

**See you in the morning! **


	16. Chapter 16

It was early evening when Edward left my room to go shower and change, while I did the same. And I exhaled as I opened the door to find him standing there in the hall, waiting on me. Funny, I didn't even realize I'd been holding my breath.

"Are you okay?" he asked, leaning in to kiss my cheek.

"I'm fine," I mumbled. "Just embarrassed, I guess."

I leaned my head against his chest, and my heart stuttered when he reached down and took my hand, lacing our fingers together. It was such a simple thing – small and insignificant really – but it was bigger and more important than anything else to me.

Edward was holding my hand.

And for the first time ever, we were going to walk downstairs together.

Joined.

I couldn't help but smile against his shirt.

"It's going to be okay," he said. "It will be fine."

We made our way downstairs. There was a fire going in the living room, but I could hear the voices of our family in the kitchen. We paused in the foyer, and Edward leaned down and asked, "Should we just go ahead and get it over with?" He motioned, nodding his head in the direction of the kitchen.

"The fire looks nice," I said, blushing.

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me.

"So, we're going with avoidance then?" He laughed again. "Fuck 'em. You know they'll find us eventually."

I shrugged. "I know."

We sat down on the couch. Edward sat right beside me, once again pulling my hand into his, and resting them both on his leg. And I turned in my seat slightly, curling my legs underneath me, and facing him.

"So, this is…" I started, looking down at our twined fingers, but realizing I didn't really know what to say.

"Yeah," he said, agreeing, but not really having to say the words.

I couldn't help but wonder what the reaction was going to be from our family. Based on what Alice and Emmett said, it seemed like they already knew everything. And after everything that happened between us in the bedroom – the talking, arguing and sex – there was no question that they would know everything now.

"You're blushing," Edward said, pulling me from my thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

"You don't want to know," I told him, shaking my head.

"I want to know everything," he said. "I think we've had enough secrets to last us for the rest of our lives."

I shook my head and leaned against his shoulder, so he couldn't see my face.

"I was just thinking about the fact that everyone knows," I said. And then I realized how that must have sounded. I would never be ashamed of Edward. I always wanted him to love me…out in the open…in front of everyone. "I mean, not that they know…you know, about us. But that they…_know_. You know…what we were doing."

"I think you two should have worried about that a long time ago," Emmett's voice said behind us. "It's too late for that now."

"Emmett," Edward said, a warning tone in his voice.

My initial reaction was to pull away. I almost did, but Edward stopped me, pulling me back against him.

"It's about fucking time," Emmett continued, ignoring Edward completely. I couldn't help but smile, even through my personal mortification. He walked around the couch and looked at both of us. And then he smiled. "Should I just get the mistletoe so we can finally get this over with? Are you guys ready to make with the kissing? Because pining and pouting really fucking suck."

"Don't make shit uncomfortable, Emmett," Edward said.

"Yeah," Emmett replied, "_I'm_ the one who's been making shit uncomfortable." He sat down on the coffee table directly in front of us. He smiled at me, and then scowled at Edward. "So, really…is this all over? I mean, I love you guys, but I can do without the drama. I get enough of that with my very pregnant wife."

Edward looked down at me and then back to Emmett. "I don't know if anything is over," he said softly, smiling down at me. "But I don't think there will be any more drama."

His hand squeezed mine, and I had this sort of out of body experience where I felt like everything couldn't be real. This couldn't be real. He wasn't saying these things to Emmett. About us. He wasn't holding my hand and keeping me close. He hadn't told me that he loved me. That he'd _always_ loved me.

"I don't know about that," Emmett said. "She's crying."

Edward tuned back to look at me as soon as Emmett spoke. His hand reached up to wipe my tears. And the fact that he was touching me with so much tenderness in front of Emmett made me cry even harder.

"Why are you crying?" Edward asked.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "It's okay. These are good tears."

"I don't like any of your tears," Edward said.

I smiled up at him, but he still looked concerned.

"Well, that's a good thing," Emmett interrupted. "Because if you ever make her cry again, I will personally kick your scrawny ass."

We all laughed, but there was a moment of seriousness that settled around us. Edward looked at Emmett, and then he looked back to me. And in a voice that was low and absolutely sure, he whispered, "I won't."

One by one the rest of our family filtered in the living room. Nothing more was said, but we accepted their knowing glances. They didn't need to say anything. We both knew what they were thinking. It was the same thing for us. Relief…and a sort of comfort and peace I'd never really known.

It wasn't until my eyes met with the steel grey of Alice's that my emotions got the better of me again. Her eyes shined with unshed tears. I squeezed Edward's hand once, and stood up from the couch and walked over to her. She pulled me in her arms, hugging me tight and whispering in my ear. "I'm so happy for you. And him."

"Me, too," I whispered.

We sat down on the stone panel in front of the fire place. And I happened to look across the room. Edward was watching us…watching me. I smiled at him, but I couldn't help but wonder how often this exact thing had happened over the years. How many times had he watched me while I was completely unaware? How much had he loved me while I busied myself with pretending that I didn't love him?

It still seemed so sad that we had wasted so much time, but there was so much white hope mingling with the black shadows of regret. The feeling was melancholy…a subtle grey. And as I glanced out the window, I saw the sky and watched as the snow fell and settled on the ground. In the quiet stillness, the night was descending again, making both of them the same sad color. Only this time, it didn't have to be sad. This time, we were both looking. We were both seeing each other together.

That night, when I made my way upstairs to my bedroom, I wouldn't be going alone and waiting for him to join me in the darkness. That night, he would walk with me. And there was nothing – no words or descriptions – that could fully explain my joy.

And I smiled at him. The smile felt big…it felt huge. And he smiled back like he knew what I was thinking. And I suppose that her really did.

I mouthed the words, "I love you."

But he said them back to me.

Out loud and in front of everyone.

The next few days passed much too quickly for my taste. We spent our days with our brothers and sisters. Distance had a price, and in some ways, I was getting to know them all over again. Our nights were spent together just the two of us. Getting to know each other. It was amazing to me that everything with Edward felt so easy. Part of me couldn't believe it. The same part of me that had tried to repress just how hard it had been to love him silently.

But still…we managed.

Edward asked about my life. He asked about my job. He asked about little things that I would never have thought important, but honestly, I wanted to know everything about him as well. He told me that there was no one in his life. That there hadn't been anyone for quite some time. And that there had never been anyone serious. And while it still stung to think of Edward with anyone else at all, the relief I felt at his confession was rivaled only by the moment he finally told me that he loved me.

Something else always seemed to be on the tip of his tongue – something unspoken – but I had to trust that he would share with me when he was ready. So, I waited for his words to come.

The night before Esme and Carlisle were supposed to arrive, we were all wrapping presents and putting them under the tree. Edward had been good about giving me space and time with the family, knowing I needed it, but this night was different. He was constantly next to me, holding my hand or wrapping his arms around me. I loved it because it had never been this way.

As the night carried on, I could feel a nervous tension, an almost urgent possession in the way that he was touching me. When he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Are you ready for bed?" I nodded my head and whispered back, "More than ready."

When we got to the top of the stairs, instead of taking me to my room where we'd spent every other night, he took me to his room. I wanted to ask why, but I followed him anyway, trusting that he had a reason. And not really caring what room we were in…as long as we were together.

Once the door was closed, he kissed me. It was slow…deep. But the urgency I'd felt all night was there. I could feel it in his touch…in the way he was holding me.

"What's wrong?" I asked as his mouth pulled away from mine and moved to my neck.

"Nothing," he murmured against my skin. "Nothing is wrong. And that's…that's what scares me."

"Why are you scared?" I asked, suddenly feeling anxiety spread across my skin.

"Eight years ago," he said, kissing my neck again and then pulling back to look at me. The room was dark but I could still see his eyes. "Eight years ago, I brought you here…to this room. I brought you here, and I ruined everything between us. I took, and you gave…I hurt, and you left."

"Don't," I whispered, tears welling in my eyes. "Don't do this…don't…don't say that."

His hands made their way from my hips along the lines of my body. He touched me everywhere. Soft and gentle…tender and sweet.

"I just…" he said, "I just need to know…I need to know that this time will be different. I need to know that….I need _you_ to know that this time is so different."

"I do," I told him. "I know."

"What happens after Christmas, Bella?" he asked, his voice suddenly needy and unsure. "I know that you…you have a life. And it's completely separate from mine. You have…someone. There's someone in your life, and I don't know what that means…for us."

Thoughts of Jacob had been looming on the edges of my mind all week. But everything – even him – seemed to fall away while I was with Edward. Even then, I couldn't find inside me anywhere to imagine my life without him anymore. I knew I needed to talk to Jacob – to tell him that there was someone else. But as I looked at Edward, I knew he needed to hear me say the words.

"It means…" I started, searching for the right words. "It means that I have to have a conversation when I get home. It means that I need to tell someone who's been very important to me that there is someone else. That there has _always_ been someone else."

"I can't be without you anymore," he told me. "I can't…not after this week. And I know I'm in no place to ask you for anything more than what you've already given me…but I just…I need to know what you're thinking. I meant what I said. I want you, Bella. I need you in my life."

"I need you in mine, too."

"Bella," he breathed my name as he pulled me completely against him. "I love you…always."

Edward took me to bed that night. And with every touch and every kiss…and every single word, he told me, he showed me how this me was so much different. Not just from the first time, but from every other time we'd been together.

I fell asleep in his arms…in his bed. And just like that night so long ago, before I finally drifted off, I whispered into the dark that I loved him. But this time…this time he whispered the same words back.

I knew that there was a long road ahead of us – and that the path we would walk wouldn't always be an easy one – but we would walk it together. And we would remember the footprints that we'd left behind.

The same ones that led us to this place.

The same ones that would carry us forward…together.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you all for reading my words. Thank you for loving the characters. Thank you for each and every thing that you've said. I love you all. **

**We are reaching the end. I'll be posting the epilogue tomorrow morning.**

**Marvar has been my beta for almost as long as I've been doing this. And I'm pretty sure I've loved her since the first time we actually had a conversation. I am thankful to have her in my fic-life. I am blessed to have her in my real one.**

**Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…you girls made the experience of writing this story amazing. Thank you for everything. ILY all SFM!**

**See you in the morning!**


	17. Epilogue

I shivered as I looked out over the side of the mountain. It was covered in snow; perfect and white and just as beautiful as it had been every time I'd come here. I turned the heat up a little more, and I wrapped the sweater I was wearing tighter around me.

"Are you cold?"

I looked over to the person I loved most in the world, taking their hand and squeezing it softly. Familiar green eyes stared back, and for a moment, I was overcome with more emotion than I could handle.

"I'm okay, love," I murmured. "Just remembering."

A knowing glance passed between us, and as an old Christmas song played softly in the background, we made our way quietly up the winding road. The grey sky seemed to open up, and the snow began to fall again.

.

.

.

I couldn't imagine that there would ever be a happier Christmas than the one I spent with Edward and my family when I was twenty-eight. Whenever I thought about it, the entire week would replay vividly in my mind. It came in colors and temperatures. The heat of Edward's body over and inside mine. The cold of the snow on the mountain side where I played with Alice. The warmth that covered and surrounded me as I was embraced by the love of my family…and finally wrapped in the love that Edward held for me.

That he'd always held for me.

No, I could never have imagined that there would be a better Christmas than that one. But just like so many times in my life before…I was wrong.

There was the following Christmas when, in front of everyone, Edward proposed. And with tears in my eyes that I didn't care about because they matched his, I told him, "Yes." The one after that, when we were newlyweds. I don't think we ever left our room. It seemed apparent that both of us were trying to make up for lost time. I don't know if we ever really did, but we never stopped trying. And the next year we made the trip with our three month old daughter. She was conceived under soft sheets and thick quilts that covered our naked bodies and kept us from the chill that still lingered in my room. Our room.

Every Christmas with Edward was better than the one before. Every day with him – every single moment – was a revelation.

I used to think my love for Edward was pathetic, but that was never _ever_ the case.

It might have taken us a long time to really find each other, but once we had, we never lost our way again.

.

.

.

The lights were on in the house, and clouded smoke trailed from the fire place.

"Looks like everyone is already here."

I laughed softly and then replied, "We've always been the last ones to arrive…in everything."

Warm lips pressed against my cheek, as I fought back the tears I knew were hiding behind my eyes. And we got out of the car.

"Take the bags in," I said, my voice cracking just a little. "I'll be in soon."

I pulled a box and a flannel blanket from the back seat, and I made my way through the snow around to the back of the house. The snow wasn't falling hard. It's was just flurries, really. I stopped when I saw the tree standing there, barren and lifeless. And as my tears began to fall, I spread the blanket on the ground and slowly lowered myself down.

I didn't even feel the cold.

"I can't believe it's almost been a year," I whispered into the wind. "Every day I think it might get easier…but it never really does. I'm so glad we decided to buy this house. It feels like almost every important memory that I have lives here."

The tears streamed down, making it difficult to really talk.

But I had to keep going.

"Lizzie is so beautiful. Sometimes I see myself in her, but mostly…_mostly_, I just see you. It's in her green eyes. _Your_ green eyes. It's in her quiet determination…her need to always take care of me. _You took such good care of me_. You always did. Even when we were kids.

"She's thirty now. Only two years older than I was when I finally got everything I ever hoped for. I only ever wanted you. And having you in my life…loving you every day…it was so much more than I could have ever imagined. I want that for her. I want her to have the same kind of life that we had. I want her to know and understand for herself the kind of love that we shared.

"I think she's found him. He's driving up tomorrow, and he's going to spend Christmas with the family. And I wish you could be here. I wish…I wish that I wasn't going to sleep in our room alone tonight. I wish that I could feel your arms around me one more time. I wish I could feel your lips kissing me again. I wish…for so many things. But mostly, I just wish that you were still here with me.

"My life isn't the same without you. But you're still there in so many little ways. I still sleep on the left side of the bed. And the part of me that still dreams at night hopes to feel you slide in beside me like you always used to do. But those are just dreams…and I always wake up alone. Without you.

"I miss you, Edward. Every moment of every day. But I'm so grateful…so blessed that we had a life together at all. It wasn't easy getting there. God knows we fought against it. But I wouldn't change a single thing. I wouldn't change a single moment…because _our life together_ was perfect. Yes, you were flawed…and so was I. But who we were – what we became and made together – was perfect."

A sharp wind whipped around me. And even though I was numb, my body wracked with a chill…and then a sob.

"I love you," I cried quietly. "I have always, _always_ loved you. And I will love you every day until I'm with you again. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for filling my life with so much joy that even now, _even without you_, I can still feel you in everything around me."

I opened the box, and I took out the urn. I stood slowly and walked over to the tree.

"I'm bringing you here," I whispered. "It seems like the only place where you should finally rest. Here, where we fell in love. Here, where so many wonderful things happened. But you will always be with me. I'll carry you inside me wherever I go. And I will always come back to this place. Because this is where I found you. This is where you found me."

I couldn't see them, but I could feel them. Our family. I knew they were watching, and I took a small amount of comfort in that, knowing that their arms would be there waiting for me when I was done. Even though Edward's wouldn't. I opened the vase, and I spread his ashes around the tree. It felt like I was leaving my heart there with him in the snow. But my words to him remained in my mind. This wasn't really him. I would carry him with me.

My tears never really dried, but I knew I had to go inside. So, I turned and I saw Lizzie standing at the side of the house. She needed me now, as much as I needed her.

"I love you," I whispered, glancing back one more time. "Always, Edward."

I looked at my single set of footprints that led back to the house, but I would always remember his beside mine.

And I would remember that we lived.

.

.

.

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Words fail me. But thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. And thank you for being a part of this community that I love so much. **

**Marvar, there are a million things I could thank you for. But I'm mostly thankful for our friendship. I love you.**

**My pre-readers: Caren, Jaime, Kourt, Laura and Raina…I love you all. Thank you for everything**.

**Happy Holidays to all of you who celebrate.**


End file.
